Carpenters (the Tan Album)

It's monday, and you know that doesn't mean much of anything, so let's play an album with the word monday in it. I bet you thought i used up all my color albums with Weezer, but i've got one more hiding in here. It's the tan album, Carpenters (though mine's starting to look a little pink in anything less that bright light). It's the last one. The red and green albums don't count because Weezer isn't allowed to make it their personal gimmick, and The R.E.D. Album doesn't count because 1) that's it's actual name, and 2) this is my game, not The Game's game. If you've got a legit color album i don't own, i'd be interested....

Sadly, Karen's exceptional cover of Klaatu's Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft isn't on it, but her first take sight reading of Richard's edited version of the lyrics to Superstar from a napkin is. I've got a Delaney & Bonnie album hiding in here somewhere, but that's a different story for a non monday.

When last we met the Carpenter siblings, i said they had mental health issues and that they were just too innocent for the exploitative world they lived in. It's a pretty common trope to blame the downfall of otherwise lovely human beings on the sleazy underbelly of corporate business, but it's equally true to say most everyone confuses permissivity for influence. Record execs are pretty terrible, but they are generally working with active junkies. "Stop injecting lighter fluid into your eyeball for two minutes and play f-sharp in the chorus... I'm gonna need at least 4 points and a children's album if you want me to put up with these guys for the next 3 weeks.... I don't care whose girlfriend you are, touch that $12,000 compressor and i'll chop your fingers off... Richard, i hope you brought enough skittles to share with the rest of the class. Karen's great, she doesn't eat anything and three takes at the most. I love these goofballs."

Seriously, if Saturday doesn't make you laugh uncontrollably, then you aren't human. You think i'm making fun of Richard again, and yeah i am, but i don't mean it as an insult. He had to know that juxtaposition is so incredibly jarring, right? It's exactly the same reaction i had to The Incredible String Band. Karen, dear sister, your talent knows no limits and i have made these arrangements to highlight the real strength of character in your impressive contralto range, now please excuse me while i tap dance across the stage in my purple tutu.

You might not be able to tell how much i love the Carpenters. I truly do, they are fantastic. I just can't reconcile the sheer difference between Richard's composing for her vs. himself. His songs are fantastic, but they are so bizarre when interspersed between hers. Take Druscilla Penny. That is an absolutely amazing song, but Karen just sang Superstar reading from an actual napkin, and we segue right into One Love which is like Bacharach/David level awesome, and then do go into a Bacharach/David medley that's better than both the originals or any other subsequent cover ever.

Sonny Bono should have hired Richard Carpenter to write his albums, they would have been AMAZING.

If you ever thought i was joking when i say "buy it and i'll pay you back with interest," i'm not. You find me some more Carpenters on vinyl and i will make it worth your while.

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