Bottle returns, part 1 (Down on the Upside)


Ok, i've finished gluing all the pieces back together. Let's see if he holds water. Glug, glug, glug, glug. So far so good. Yes, i think he's ready. We'll just put the top back on. There. How do you feel, Bottle? 

With my fingertips. 

See, good as new. Should be fine as long as you keep him away from high heat. Anything else i can do for you Mr. GREGORY? 

NO. THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU MR. ROBIN. 

Sorry, i must have dozed off. Where's this bus headed? 

Do you remember what you were doing before you don't remember being here Bottle? 

First, who the hell are you? Second, why are you asking the right questions? Third, are we in the THX 1138 white room prison? 

Now Bottle, those are obviously rhetorical questions, and you asked them in the wrong order. 

No. Skullboy will back me up on this, i asked them in order of increasing importance to me. I don't respect authority, i'm super confused when people who aren't me have a firm grasp on implied reality, and i want to know if there's a beat down in my imminent future. Who? What? Where? Don't care why, just want to know what to expect. 

YES, DELIGHTFUL. YOU'VE DONE AN EXCEPTIONAL JOB. WE WON'T KEEP YOU ANY LONGER, MR. ROBIN. 

Mr. Robin? Mr. Robin?? You're Chriscrosstopher??? Hold on a moment. I'm in a white room with black curtains, Kenny Loggins playing in the background, and instead of just letting me blissfully shuffle off this mortal coil after whatever dumbass thing i did (i know me, it had to be spectacularly stupid), you had Criscrostopher Robin glue me back together? 

YOU AREN'T FINISHED. 

Finished with what? I was joking about the eternity part. Killing time until we got back to some enjoyable part of the infinite loop. 

NO, YOU WERE NOT JOKING. 

Ok fine, no i wasn't, but you could have let eternity end with an ellipsis. That hardly qualifies as cheating. 

NO. ARE YOU READY TO GO BACK NOW? THE OTHERS WILL BE GLAD TO SEE YOU. 

Hhhhhhhhhh. K. I still say you should have just let me die, but what do i know? Incidentally, what did i do? 

I believe you were trying to do everything at once, and spread yourself so thin that you collided with yourself going the opposite direction in an explosion that would make the team of scientists at CERN pee their pants. 

I COULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT BETTER. 

Me neither. I can totally see me doing that. I don't remember what i was trying to do, but i've also wanted a few less brain cells, so win/win i guess. I may not like what you got me hanging from, but it's too bright out here in the outside world. Turn it back around, i mean lead the way Bones....

Part 2

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The 4 Seasons - The Genuine Imitation Life Gazette

Image
This might be my longest  album review ever. But i swear a couple times, so it's worth the read ;) How could i possibly mention Jefferson Airplane, The 4 Seasons, and Frank Zappa in the same context? Zappa said "this is rediculous" and a few years later The 4 Seasons said "you know what, Frank is right. This IS ridiculous." To which Jefferson Airplane said, "Oh. Ok. Got it." The real question is: which one is the most transgressive? Zappa said stop fighting, you look like idiots. Jefferson Airplane said i guess if love and community is a bad thing, then sure we're criminals and we'd be happy to move out into the fields and live peaceful lives without your garbage, let us go already. The 4 Seasons said hold my champagne for a moment. In 1969, The 4 Seasons released the single most ironic, acidic, extravagant, and downright befuddling album ever created, The Genuine Imitation Life Gazette. Zappa was accused of writing "shitty doo-w
Read more

Welcome to my blog, and my record collection.

This is a blog about my love of listening to albums. It started off as a nightly perusal of my dad's record collection (which sadly became mine) on my personal facebook page. Over the last two months it has become quite an enjoyable process of simply ranting about what i think is a real art form, the album. It needs a more permanent home. Some of my reviews are positive, some negative. They might not be what you expect from album reviews, but i hope you at least find them entertaining. For the most part i do very little research, and they tend to be train of thought reactions rather than calculated essays. If nothing else, know that i'm really listening to them and whether they are amazing or abysmal i want you to go listen to them too.  I'll start migrating the 60+ i've written so far over here in the next few days, and hopefully get to the point where i just start writing them here. I'd probably even take suggestions if you're just dying to know my tho
Read more

Pat Benatar - Seven The Hard Way

Image
I don't know about you, but i love Pat Benatar. Yes, that's also her debut album with the single most underrated song in the universe (My Clone Sleeps Alone) in the background, but that's just a generic non-self-titled debut album. We're jumping ahead to her 6th album, Seven The Hard Way, because that, ladies and gentle germs, is how you kalaidescope a concept. Not one, not two, not three, but 4 protien-packed layers to this metaphor. You don't really need to know the overly complicated rules of Craps to know that A) it's gambling, B) "the hard way" refers to rolling doubles, so good luck rolling two 3.5s, and C) you're going to lose, one way or another. It's a joke, but more importantly, it's Pat Benatar and the roll out is Sex As A Weapon, so the innuendo is not intended to be subtle. Wait wait wait, that's only 3, Bottle, where's 4? You're right, last but not least, side B opens with Seven Rooms of Gloom, a Holland-Dozier-Hol
Read more