Traci Lords - 1,000 Fires

So, yeah, if you can follow the unwritten train of thought that leads from R.E.M.'s Monster to tonight's album pick, then knowing nod from me to you. That's some unsavory subject matter, right there. We're listening to Traci Lords's album, 1,000 Fires. If you're certain you're curious i'll explain it somewhere that isn't a public facebook post. For now though, let's just say i was gonna write about the 1995 Mortal Kombat soundtrack, but learned that Traci Lords did actually make a full album, so now i can't not listen to it. You remember her from the Jonny Depp classic Cry Baby. No, not Rikki Lake, the blonde one. No, not the ugly blonde, forget it. The Mortal Kombat soundtrack has a Juno Reactor remix of the lead off track, Control. They did a lot of the music for The Matrix, so you are actually familiar with their kind of industrial tinged techno. The whole soundtrack is a who's who of 90s Industrial Metal and EDM. But, we're here to hear Traci's album. I expect EDM/Techno and i don't expect her to be a great singer, but i've been wrong thousands of times, so tube me up the yoo-hoo-haw (that's a word order joke, not innuendo or a chocolate flavored milk-adjacent beverage sponsorship, just so we're clear).

Control is a great track, but fair warning she whisper talks over it on the album. Sadly, she's no Rod McKuen. Like i said, i don't expect the vocals to be good, so it is in fact slightly better than i expected. 9 more tracks to ruin it, though, and keep in mind there's no second Traci Lords album to redeem herself.

Ok, this is one of those agree to disagree albums. I freakin' love this thing, but you will absolutely hate it. It's bad. These are Juno Reactor's trash folder files with Traci Lords talking over them. You gotta understand, though, i'm listening on multiple levels at once. Top layer Bottle is laughing because it's hilarious. Mid-level Bottle realizes that even though these are legit Ben Watkins throw-away tracks, he still put effort into the project. If i were to phrase it bluntly, he made sure he wasn't the reason this album went nowhere. A different vocalist could probably sell it better, borrow one from Lords of Acid or KMFDM if you want, but this is Traci's show.

And now, Deep-level Bottle will remind you that talent has no bearing on my enjoyment. How can that be? Ok, you listen to something bad and laugh out loud and say "omg, that was terrible," but i laugh out loud and think "that was amazing! Play it again, it's awesome." Maybe another example will help. You hear someone mess up the National Anthem and immediately start criticizing them, but i think "that's great!" It's interesting. Who would set out to try to mess up singing it in front of thousands of people? No one, that's who, you just watched someone have the most terribly embarrasing moment imaginable on live television, no take backs. Hopefully, they can laugh it off and move on.

Traci Lords is singing "bang, bang, he's an outlaw lover..." right now. Go ahead, try to find any possible context where that lyric isn't embarrassingly terrible. I'll wait...

... who prays for rain at 4am? Glancing ahead, the last track is called Okey Dokey, you think that's gonna be a banger? 

I legit love this album. She clearly wanted to make it, she isn't phoning it in, no one is making her look bad. At the end of the day this is fun and i'm thoroughly enjoying it. Except the penultimate track. I can handle it, but you aren't prepared for Father's Field. You just aren't. And the last track is even worse than i expected.

So to recap, terrible album, thoroughly enjoyable, love it. No mention of even one fire, let alone a thousand. I'm legit thinking about buying a used copy from some store in Maine. Probably won't, but it's the thought that counts.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_k-QI5wdqJnZFAePMJgjoi6X9-P_qDT4hs