Olivia Newton-John - Physical

I don't have a positive nostalgic image of the early 80s in my mind. I just don't. Everybody's all coked up and sweaty, wearing neon leotards and headbands, everything looks grimy and chaotic, car horns blaring, crying dumpster babies, it's horrible. Doesn't matter that i was born in 1980, it all just looks like the combined cityscapes from Star Trek IV, Police Academy, and Short Circuit. Olivia Newton John feeling up bodybuilders in the YMCA weight room doesn't help much either. Nothing about any of that do i consider sexy. 

But can i just bottle all that up, shelve it, and approach Physical with fresh ears? Yoda might scold me, but i can at least try. Did you know Olivia Newton-John was basically responsible for the industry-wide shift from time-based contracts to quantity-based contracts? See, the way it happened was that she agreed to record 4 albums in 2 years, while MCA retained the option to extend the time frame as penalty for a late album and more records if/when they wanted, all designed to prevent her from recording for anyone else; a no-compete clause somehow ballooned up to be the whole contract. Well, Grease caused that 4th album to be delayed. She sued MCA for lack of promotion, they countersued her for not handing them a new album to promote, so in the end ON-J couldn't do jack for 5 more years. After that, everybody said let's not get stuck in that quagmire and just go solely based on the number of albums we're willing to publish no matter how long it takes. I don't know for sure, but i'd bet Tool holds the record for drawing that out as long as possible. 

Now, keep in mind, the production cycle is already booked, labels have tons of stuff they COULD publish for any particular production slot, but they also have all these contracts that they're legally obliged to honor flapping in the breeze. It's a two way street, no matter how heavy the traffic in either direction. 

She also had some real backlash from Nashville, what with a British-born Australian winning Americsn Country Music awards over domestic artists like Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Tanya Tucker, and even Anne Murray (Nashville and Canada agreeing on something? Bizarre). People though said nah, Olivia's awesome, and eventually even Nashville agreed. 

Anywho, fast forward to 1981 and here's her 11th solo album. I'd ask how we got from Pop Country to Synth Pop, but we all know a lot of Disco and cocaine happened in between (one time she was hilariously unknowingly booked for a gig at an actual strip club), so enough foreplay. You might mistakenly think i'm giving her a hard time, but i'm actually setting her up to win me over; highlighting the unfolding saga of a lady from Cambridge who was trying to decide whether to be a performer or a veterinarian and went on to great success as a singer/actress. 

At first glance you might think this is a Random Crap album, but it's not. It's a concept album about humanity. To paraphrase Bjork, if you ever get close to a human and human behaviour, this is the kind of crap you're gonna see: they like to dance, their relationships and sex lives are weird, they kill dolphins for profit, and douse everything with pesticides; they're murderously horny profit-driven lunatics. Love it, let's hear her soft-rock some high notes in a sea of synthesizers. 

Every single one of you is gonna be so totally confused by the fact that i love it that i have to try to unpack it. 

First, she is not in any way timid. That i like very much. Compare this to the obvious, Linda Ronstadt's similar sojourns into Pop Rock/New Wave sound so timid and unsure by comparison. Like it or hate it, ON-J is all in and it sounds like it. She said this was what her musical tastes were at the time, and i cannot disagree in any way. This is on purpose and she's totally confident. I like Donna Summer better, but this is every bit as confident. 

Second) John Farrar's production is weird, and we all know how much i love that. As corny as any part might strike you, i'm here saying "well that's innovatively bizarre." Synth sounds no serious stable producer would dare experiment with, lyrics that while a bit cliche don't sound contrived when Olivia sings them. You kind of expect her to be confidently naive (not the other way around), right? "The seven seas won't keep us apart" is exactly the kind of thing you expect Olivia Newton-John to sing because she actually means it. 

So, musically speaking, there's kind of a recipe here. Disco hi-hats, light funk bass and rhythm guitar, weird synths, a guitar solo when needed, and ON-J actually singing the song as the character in the song. Divorced from the music video image (it takes some work on my part) Physical is actually fantastic. Steve Kipner isn't Prince, but you could totally believe Prince wrote that. Then in a Richard Carpenter worthy twist we get the dead butterfly song. Well, not technically dead butterflys yet, but she's warning them to fly away. If nothing else, you should totally go listen to Silvery Rain, it is quite possibly one of the most wackadoodle pieces of music i've heard in months, and she totally sells it like Snow White having a panic attack. 

Carried Away is too weak by comparison, but that's the first interruption to the album flow and it has bizarre vocorder background vocals that make you not notice so much. Plus, we're halfway through side b, so that's an appropriate place to do it if you're going to. Then we get Recovery, her version of Lorde's Solar Power. And finally, dead dolphins. 

I shouldn't laugh at the chorus, but it's funny. Not the sentiment, the way she sings it and punctuates it with Roger Waters type field recordings of derpy dolphin noises. I'm probably going to hell for it, but "if i can only help to right a wrong with my dolphin song" over that melodramatic chord progression will never not be hilarious to me. But again, it's exactly the appropriate kind of corny and it makes me like it in the same way i might like any overly ridiculous Jack Black or Dio delivery of an equally cheesy line. It's endearing in a totally ridiculous fashion. 

So, to sum up, yes Physical is a fantastic album that i enjoyed listening to very much. RIP Olivia, and even though i severely dislike the glorified hedge fund managers who made it happen, i'm glad i have a brand new hot pink pressing of your 11th album to enjoy. I don't need the wall poster of you all sweaty with sand sticking to your thigh ('cause like i said that's not my version of sexy), but at least i can't accuse Primary Wave of cheaping out on production quality. Manufactured in Canada, but with lead times and (lack of) quality control being what they currently are, i guess i can't complain too much for hiring our neighbors to the north to do the heavy breathing [snap] petting [snap snap] i mean lifting. 

I think after that we'll do the record i intended to do last night but didn't get around to. Tomorrow though, i need at least one nap between now and then.