Whitney Houston

Oh you're in for a real treat tonight. Or a brain hemorrhage. Either way we all have a lot of fun.

That's a moderately oblique Men In Tights reference, everyone who didn't get it takes a shot.

True story, my dad had a hard time pronouncing certain words, and i could swear he consistently pronounced her name Whitney Useless. I don't think that's fair, because she didn't actually get a choice in the matter. We aren't talking about Cher, or Dionne Warwick, or Barbra Streisand. The title and the voice are the only part of this debut album that belongs to Whitney Houston. This is a Sony stables production, a producers album, a Berry Gordy style "one of these songs will hit it big" type album. Jermaine Jackson, Kashif, Michael Masser, and Narada Michael Walden, in a grudge match to the death to see who will emerge victorious in the pair this new kid with an established duet partner grudge match of 1985.

Walden won, by the way. Much as i hate to agree with the critics, "How Will I Know" is the definitive cut from the album. That's because Walden (about as hardcore R&B as it gets) said "yes obviously you can sing anything, why not sing this thing that will make you an untouchable pop idol?"

Admit it, "How Will I Know" is a freakin' great song. It's bubbly, it's fun, she's 22 for crying out loud. Sure "Greatest Love of All" is a monumental ballad, but don't tell me for a second that it's the thing you actually want to hear her sing.

What the critics hated about this album was that the other 3 producers treated her like a generic R&B vocalist. "Here's a good song, just sing it like you do, blah blah, sounds great, ok what's my next project?"

What's the other thing you actually remember from Whitney Houston (music wise, not Bobby Brown and 75 kilos of cocaine and baking soda)? That's right, The Bodyguard. Also Narada Michael Walden. She had one guy making her look good, and a hundred other people looking to cash in on her talent. They cashed in, and she cracked. Get it?

It comes down to this:

Could Whitney Houston sing? AND HOW!

Do i like 93% of the songs people told her to sing? HELL NO.

Am i capable of ignoring that and fully enjoying this album? ABSOLUTELY.

Would i choose Donna Summer's The Wanderer over this? EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

Do i know all the lyrics to every song and would i sing along out loud without a hint of embarrassment? OF COURSE I WOULD!

I'm a walking contradiction and i ain't got no right, to quote a Green Day chorus.

P.S. my dad used to hum along too.

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