Shinola, i mean K-tel's 20 Hits and stuff

I'll wager every crate combing curmudgeon has at least one tragic story where they forgot to actually double check the record itself, only to feel the bowel clenching despair of finding a k-tel compilation inside of a truly collection worthy cover. Mine's Blondie, but at least the record had one Blondie song on it. So be it.

It's much less horrible if you go at it intentionally, and tonight's record at least has a novelty jacket. It's Jukebox Jive from '75.

You know K-Tel, the Canadian infomercial company. Compilation albums, the Veg-o-Matic, Miracle Brush. Sure they're Winnepegan hosers, but at least they put out the actual original hits, unlike Pickwick or Kidz Bop.

I even went and found the commercial for you:
https://youtu.be/UI_4hEBasTE

$6.99 on 8 track!? Quick, Marty, get us back to 1975! What do you mean the flux capacitor is broken? Fine, fetch me that 45 year old dinner plate, i wanna hear some Clyde McPhatter. You don't know Clyde McPhatter?! The Drifters? The godfather of Doowop? What kind of music history are they teaching you kids these days?

But how does it sound? Oh, absolutely terrible. What did you expect from a tv commercial? It's 6db quieter than most records of the time, there's some nasty sibilance, they made absolutely no effort to even plug in a VU meter to try and normalize the tracks. Oh god how did  they make Runaway sound like that? The track itself is panned like 75% left, and the right channel is just pure slapback highs. It's definitely a stereo mix, so it's not like it's unintentional. I feel like someone just drove an ice pick into my right temple. Rock Around The Clock is better, but Devil With The Blue Dress On/Good Golly Miss Molly sounds like you need some new brake pads and probably rotors. Yeah, this whole album sounds like a short range fm broadcast at dusk when the signal interference is at maximum crossover talk radio annoying. The record itself is clean as a whistle so it's definitely poor quality source tapes.

Wow, side b is even worse. There's actual phasing and the left channel disappears completely. I jumped to other tracks just to make sure it wasn't my turntable or computer. Nope. It's not even up to the Stones' level of terrible mastering.

But man i love Lou Christie's Two Faces Have I. He's a pretty close second to Frankie Valley in the awesome falsetto department. I suppose David Lindley's Carol Channing impression from The Load-Out/Stay is untouchable, so maybe he's tied for third with Rick Davies' David Hodgeson impression on Goodbye Stranger. I'm being ridiculously picky, i know.

So should you pay even a dollar for this thing? No, absolutely not. Five 1975 dollars equates to 23.85 today, and full price for a shitty comp is highway robbery with a side of involuntary manslaughter. They should pay you for even considering flipping it over to look at the back for the actual track list. But, the majority of the songs are great and it's fun to hear what cheap commercial make a quick buck garbage sounded like half a century ago.

If you've ever found one of these lumps if coal in your stocking, then i can empathize. Nothing spells disappointment like K-Tel, but if you're expecting the terrible it's pretty impressive how creatively bad these things can be. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow (1975 was the year Saturday Night Live debuted, and i bet you totally glossed right over my earlier SCTV reference to Bob and Doug McKenzie. You wouldn't believe how much research i have to do to sound like i'm talking out of my ass...).

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