I really don't want to just pet you.


I dunno, what do you guys wanna listen to? We could do more Moon Hooch, or Spoon, or...

No! Tonight you suffer like you've never suffered before!

Geez, what did i do? Oh, yeah, that working overtime 'cause the man's too dumb to do it properly himself. Alright, what not so terrible Country album is it tonight?

OH, EVIL DEITY OF PESTILENCE AND SUFFERING! 

Petula Clark? Seriously? Elvis wanted a three way Petulant Clark? I can't read that title in the nominative, "just pet" is a really uncomfortable verbal non-sequiter! I'd rather revisit Barbara Mandrell's house at Christmas, at least that was hilarious. Alright, bombs away.

Aaah! It's horrible. Please don't drop a dime, i can't stand your voice as it is, let alone over a  pay phone. Things Bright and Beautiful is the most ghastly audio abomination ever, and i'm the guy who likes Throbbing Gristle and Merzbow. Even if you're the kind of person who hates everything about the Beatles, you can't begin to imagine the depths of hell where her version of Hey Jude plays 24/7. It's only Side A and i need the kind of break where the dogs run away and i have to chase them down in the dark, lose a pack of cigarettes for half an hour, and facebook restarts itself, deleting the first attempt at this essay so i have to rewrite it from memory before suffering some more...

...That's better. How much worse can Side B really be? Blaaarg! Why did i ask? It's like whitey white English Mariachi with completely needless jazz sax. Yuck, poor butterfly. Poor squashed butterfly in my clenched fist, what the everloving hell was that Chicago-esque interlude?! It can die? I want to die! 

Oh, ok, the fake sitar thing is actually refreshing. If I Only Had Time is actually fine. I don't like it, but it's objectively better than the previous 8 tracks. At least the guitar solo sounds like an obnoxious guitar solo. More sitar? Another terrible Beatles cover? At least it's impressively terrible, i'll give you that. It's like she's trying to mimic Eartha Kitt, but she's a D student on the best day of the week. 

Ok. How do i really explain it? Ok, you know her version of Downtown right? Of course you do. That's fine, that song can handle shitty horns and weird vowels. It's supposed to be garish. Now imagine that you perform every single song in existence that way. Every piece of clothing in your closet has rhinestones bedazzled on it. You walk around the Dollar Tree strip mall looking like fat, sweaty, muttenchop Elvis on a Tuesday. That's Petula Clark. I just might pull out the best of Nancy Sinatra album as a palate cleanser. Even Crystal Gayle is better than this. What's that expression about gagging me with a spoon? Oh, yeah, GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

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