Not technically Adventure Time, but quite an adventure

I did a lot of stuff today, and in the process i found 3 CDs hiding in the garage. It's pretty near impossible to do an Adventure Time with them, but the fact that they were out in the garage means they really do have something in common: i love listening to them. Not in the sense that they are fantastic albums, or that they are the best, or anything like that. Just pure unadulterated joy of hearing them play while i work because there isn't anything crappy enough to distract me. Come to think of it, that's actually a pretty short list, and i can list them in no particular order:

The Offspring - Ignition

Breaking Benjamin - Phobia

Chavelle - Wonder What's Next & This Type of Thinking Could Do Us In

Mastodon - Leviathan & Crack the Skye

Avenged Sevenfold - City of Evil & Hail to the King

Bad Religion - Recipe for Hate & Stranger Than Fiction

By pure coincidence, that's 10. Top 10 albums Bottle can listen to without cutting his fingers off with a circular saw. Exclusive club. Where's my check, Buzzfeed? Even better, i've only written about one of them so far. 

I want to just binge and listen to all of them, but i love them so much (plus i did exactly that yesterday) i should really give each one its own post. Decisions, decisions...

... when we listened to Smash, i told you A) Ignition was my favorite Offspring album, and B) i was worried that mice ate it. Awesome news, they didn't! 

If you've ever wondered what a character study of your old pal Bottle sounds like, then pay attention. We slip in and out of irony like it's a jacket we brought along in case the weather suddenly changes, and anyone who knows what they're talking about is clearly lying, so burn it all to the ground, or don't, just don't look to me to decide what you think i think you want me to think, 'cause hell if i know. That kind of thinking could do us all in...

... speaking of...

How the goddamned bloody hell is Chavelle Nu-metal? Yes, obviously you can make comparisons with Korn and Deftones in terms of singing in falsetto for no good reason and turning the treble on the bass all the way up, but just playing in dropped C isn't Nu-metal. What other genre are they incorporating? I wouldn't even call them metal, except for maybe the extremes of mopyness. Even Deftones predates nu-metal, and not in any "proto" sense of the term. Is Faith No More or Mr. Bungle Nu-metal? Is Chavelle on the same playlist with Linkin Park and Coal Chamber and POD and Limp Biscuit and Papa Roach?  Proto-emo maybe, but not nu-metal. Is Flyleaf Nu-metal? Sonic profile does not a genre make.

Don't worry, it gets even worse. Chavelle only has 2 albums. Pre-major label doesn't count, and the last 10+ years don't count either. Chavelle and Hanson are the same band. 

Whaaaaaa?! 

Seriously, three brothers. The only difference is that Hanson are a functional family, while Pete and Sam are like "why the hell did we let our crazy brother Joe be our bassist for so long when he clearly didn't like being in our band?" I don't know, but i stopped caring when he left. It doesn't mean you suck now, it just means it's not the same band anymore.

Does giving amphetamine adjacent stimulants to children help? No. Does heavy melodic rock music help? In my case, absolutely. Pete's right, BOB your head to this. And no, i don't have any idea where the jewell cases for some of these are currently hiding.


If you were wondering what's next, then wonder no more, it's Wonder What's Next, the prequel to this kind of thinking. Shove all the pain down inside, forget closure, and ask yourself if you're alone in here. This might be the rawest album i've ever heard. Not in terms of sound quality, it's so over produced it shimmers like lips after a botox treatment, i just mean it aches with the kind of existential pain even Kierkegaard couldn't quite put his finger on. No catharsis, just accept that we're doomed and snowboard off a mountain or murder you entire anger management class. Who cares?If you're wondering what's next, then you didn't read my last post. I'm afraid you're in for quite a lot more existential angst. I'm afraid, Phobia, ya get it? Nevermind, just enjoy the complete emotional anguish that is Chavelle, and rest assured the next album will break you.


You're listening to KBTL, nothing but rock. Nothing but butt rock. This next one goes out to Ben, who's scared of becoming part of the human centipede. I'm sure you'll find your place in the diarrhea chain eventually, but for now enjoy this album as much as we do; it's not a guilty pleasure if you don't feel any guilt. Here's Phobia from Breaking Benjamin....


Well, that was some kind of fun. I don't know about you, but now i'm thirsty for a rock band who loves their rock band predecessors so much they made an album adopting the styles of all those awesome rock bands. An album so good their fans said "waaaaiiiit a minute, you're just copying all those old metal bands us teenagers think are even more passé than heroin"  

A Dandy Warhols reference? Has that pot smoking art teacher been letting you listen to KBTL without my permission?

Relax, not-my-mom. Whatever garbage you throw out there, it comes back 7 times worse, or at least that's the explanation i made up for this band. We're dealing with a period in rock music when i was literally driving back and forth between Denton, TX and OKC to see my wife and newborn child on the weekends and live in an apartment taking doctoral classes and teaching aural skills during the week. Avenged Sevenfold and Breaking Benjamin were as good as it got driving up and down I35 in the middle of the night. City of Evil was a good album, but Hail To The King is amazing. 

Yes, you could sit there and say this is the Metallica album we all wish they had made instead of Load and Reload, but it's not. It's Avenged Sevenfold not trying quite as hard to be super killer amazing mindblowing technical shred kings, and that's what makes it super killer amazing mindblowingly awesome. They said fuck it, let's just rock. It flat out rocks from beginning to end. Story over. Hail to the King.

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