$26.75 Adventure Time, Gladys Edition

Slam! 

What was that? 

Slam! 

Do you guys hear that? 

Hear what, Skipasaurus? 

The slamming, Bottle. 

SLAM! 

I hear it now. CALM THE HELL DOWN GLADYS!! Wait. Could it be? Is it really? It's been like a year, and i just assumed.... 

---

SLAM! Why won't this infernal door close properly? SLAM! There, i'll have to get Carl up here to fix that. 

CALM THE HELL DOWN, GLADYS! 

I'll calm you, Bottle! 

It is you! I thought you got lost or dead or something. Did you win? 

Win? Win what? Oh, the tournament? That's a doozie of a tale, that one. Steven and Sven had the highest points total, but the president of the host club refused to award them saying that they played fewer hands than his team so it wasn't fair, but the first round bye is always randomly selected and always counts as a win. It's printed right there in the tournament rules, and even those crazy old codgers who've been lobbying to change that rule said that those are the rules even if they don't like it (which they don't, but they agreed to play under them), and there's no actual evidence that anybody cheated anywhere close to enough to influence the outcome. Everybody just wanted the whole thing over with, so the team that supposedly played more hands with a higher average than anybody said "who cares? Claim victory 'til you run out of air, but the SS Pinochle clearly gets the prize money," and that made everybody start bickering, so nobody actually won by the time they kicked us all out, and the bus drivers they supposedly hired to take us back to the motel weren't there, and poor Sven caught pneumonia from walking back on foot, so we got him to the hospital, but apparently there was like some plague of cooties and people were drinking disinfectant and dying left and right, and once Sven finally got better we still couldn't leave because of all the cooties in the air or whatever, and i ran out of yarn but obviously we had no money to buy more, and finally we hitched a ride with this nice truck driver, but apparently he was a psycho and got arrested for driving through a crowd of people in a parking lot while we were asleep in the back, so....

Slow down, Gladys.

Catch up, Bottle. I haven't even made it to the part with the wildfires and the crazy people hoarding maple syrup so they could sell it for $100 a Yousir after the trees burned down. But right now, what i'd really like is a hot shower and a nap in my chair, so i'll just put your presents on the escalator and worry about whatever you've been doing much, much later. 

Oooookay. You do that. Glad you're back. 

Ooh! She brought me some records. Never heard any of these, maybe C-diver can give me the low down on some of them. I see she kept the reciept (like i'd need to prove she bought them?), so file this one under $26.75 Adventure Time, Gladys Edition. 

Speaking of getting lost in the shuffle, here's the totally obscure 1978 self-titled debut from a band that formed 10 years earlier and never got famous anywhere outside Santa Cruz, CA: Snail. A sarcastically cynical marketing man might say "well it is Snail, by Snail, with a Snail on it, so we aren't exactly hooking 'em with the intrigue, are we?" 

My research assistant Compy Compilerson tells me diddly squat except they aren't Disco (doing better than late 70s Three Dog Night on that count at least). Some say soft rock, some say country rock, the band talks about being psych rock/borderline heavy metal a la Deep Purple. They have several recordings, but only 2 proper albums (according to my standards) on a super small label, they don't have a wikipedia page at all, so who knows what we're actually going to get. Amazingly enough, it is on youtube if you want to hitchhike along with me.

Welp, lie down on the table and rotate. Yep, just as i thought, it's all of those things all mishmashed together in a way that can only be described as a bunch of songs by a band called Snail on an album called Snail, and the worst thing i can say about Side A is Music is My Mistress is a bit cheesy, but there again, of course it is. You're gonna think this is weird, but it's 70s country rock with string arrangements, a bunch of crazy guitar effects, tasty riffage, jam session style solos, some psych-noises, not terrible lyrics. I wouldn't want to listen to it 3 times a week, but it's totally good if not flashy or mindblowing. Solid from start to finish. Did i mention the guitar solos are fantastic? They are. So are the string arrangements. Clark Gassman, never heard of him, but he has the second best name on this record. The winner is obviously their bass player, Jack Register, but i imagine Chet McCracken would feel cheated if he didn't at least tie for second place. This record does sound fantastic, but i'm not sure how much praise the Aphex Aural Exciter actually deserves for that. Is some crummy studio engineer out there screaming "no fair! They used the Aphex Aural Exciter, those dirty cheater fraudsters!?" I only bring it up because it's presented less like Harry Connick's "i don't need no stinkin' autotune" and more like "warning: expensive tube hardware in use!" or "love it? Hate it? Either way it's the Aphex Aural Exciter's fault." 

Regardless, you know what they put me in mind of? The well loved and cared for lovechild of a fling turned marriage between Black Oak Arkansas and Prism; that so close to prog feeling, but this time leaning decidedly to the hard rock side of the spectrum. If like most people you've never heard of Snail, you might be surprised how much they don't suck.

From the obscure Country Rock of Snail, to the not in any way obscure New Wave of The Motels (which i admittedly didn't remember i totally know and love at first glance). The obvious connection between them is the dig at politicians, the more subtle connection is a his side/her side interaction, but who cares? The Motels are just amazing, possibly my favorite American New Wave band ever, and i wish i could afford their whole discography on vinyl right now (i can't 'cause shipping would be like $9,000). 

They had two big hits and Suddenly Last Summer is on this album, Little Robbers. Motels vs Hotels, you ask? I believe it was Ludacris who delivered the definitive distinction to use when deciding which one to stay at while accompanied by a lady friend. I won't weigh in on that one, the more traditional difference is whether you enter your room from inside the building or from outside the building. 

But is it a good album? Indubitably. It's a fantastic album, are you daft? Little Robbers, songs about intricate details of modern life that steal your sanity, purple and yellow, duh. 

$8 might seem a little pricey without the continental breakfast or heated chlorine bath, but i'd be willing to pay upwards of more than that because Martha Davis is awesome, plus it's not like you're trying to stay long enough to surreptitiously acquire tenant's rights, and it's statistically unlikely that a random stranger will break into your room and murder you no matter how paranoid you are about it, so close your eyes and enjoy. 

I repeat, amazing album. Sleep tight.

Rise and shine! It's day two of Adventure Time with Gladys. Remember how i unintentionally commented on how strange it was that Snail mentioned their fantastically exciting vacuum tube based studio gear? And how i mentioned that motels have fewer amenities than the place you might take a "ho"? Well, Gladys also bought me an album by The Tubes, because what else are you going to do in your room on the road in a town you don't know except watch basic network tv? 

A concept album about a TV addicted idiot savant produced by Todd Rundgren? Who even cares if the songs are any good when this is clearly the grand prize winner of the  Best Concept Album of the 20th Century Award? They will be because it's Todd Rundgren wrangling The Tubes and that means Todd Rundgren made an album that The Tubes played on, but does it matter? No. Again, what else are we gonna do except thoroughly enjoy it, have pizza delivered, and drive 600 more miles tomorrow? 

You know what else i just noticed? We're hovering around San Fransisco. Now that i've said it, the 4th album will be totally not anywhere near San Francisco, but it was way too obvious to be anything but coincidence anyway. 

Oh, man, The Tubes are great. It sounds silly and fun, but also meaningful and like it actually matters. It sounds like they are putting on a show with a proper story, and that show sounds super entertaining. 

Critics said "this is meh," then said "it'll be hard to top how awesome Remote Control was" when The Completion Backward Principle came out. No sarcasm on that one by the way, just straight up "i don't feel like liking this album today, but rest assured i'll pretend like i just said it's fantastic in a year or two. I don't need no stinkin' consistent critera!" 

Another ludicrously stellar pick from Gladys to start our day. One more album to go on this particular adventure. Hope it's interesting....

Uh... er... oookay? I'm not entirely sure Gladys bought this album for me specifically. The phrase "eye candy" comes to mind. Oh, see, i told you we'd be who knows where, and it appears to be Georgia (the state, not the former Soviet republic. They both have about the same amount of beach front, so it's easy to get confused).

I feel like i should go back and mention the actual driving distance between San Fransisco and Macon somewhere in there, but then i'd have to delete this paragraph and the time vortex would collapse like an abandoned apartment complex. It also seems like we've rounded out this trip with another on the nose album cover: Cats on the Coast, by Sea Level. Funky, sweaty hippies on a beach notwithstanding, i expect we're in for some Jazz Fusion, but probably not the mysterious long range concept kind (hippies on a beach withstanding); more likely Steely Dan style pretzel logic i presume, but probably not as delicate or refined. Calgon, i mean ellipsis, take me away...

... ok, first things first. This is awesome, as in legitimately wonderful. Screaming guitars, funky grooves, complex harmonies, mood shifts from one end of the rainbow to another. There are hints of southern rock, blues, gravely vocals, some salty sax solos, a full buffet of delicious delicacies delivered deleriously. Did i mention the awesome guitar solos?

How are these guys not more famous? Oh, because they were previously known as The Allman Brothers Band, Gregg being particularly unangelic toward them after the breakup (damned fine joke if i do say so myself). Pretty sure Gregg and Dicky quit, not the other way around.

Well, that was invigorating. If you're at all apprehensive about an album by a group of half-shirted dudes on the beach, all i can tell you is this one turned out surprisingly awesome. 

---

Now that my friends was an adventure. Best of all, it's not quite lunch time here in the bunker, so we have the whole rest of the day to unwind from our journey. Sadly, we do have to wake up tomorrow and go back downtown for the Monday Shutdown, but at least we have some awesome mementos to remind us of all the fun we had. Even more sadly, today marks the beginning of the 12 days of Christmas. I suppose i'll have to do something for that....