Mastodon - Emperor of Sand


How ya gonna review Emperor of Sand, B-man?

What do you mean, Compy?

What do you mean, what do i mean? Are you going to review it, and if so, how?

It's the inner monologue of a fictional character doomed to die in the Peruvian desert.

Well yeah, sure, that's what it IS, but what about the background, the production, the fact that it's skipping even though you've been unusually careful with it, the fact that we're four years later and all we've had is an ep of b-sides. 

Compy, Mastodon is just a band. I happen to like them a lot, but they are real people with real lives and we're trying to literally reboot the economy here. Not that it deserves to be rebooted, but still. It's an album about the curse of death. Yeah, friends and family dealing with cancer were the impetus, but it's just a Mastodon album.

So you don't like it?

No, i love it, it's fantastic, it's gorgeous. None of the guys from Mastodon are T.S. Eliot or Ezra Pound, but why would you need them to be? It's lovely, i never have things to say about lovely albums. They're lovely. 

I mean, this isn't a convince you to like Mastodon album by any means, and who knows what 2nd-world country actually aluminum-coated and shellacked the disc itself, but i'm certainly not booking a trip to early 20th-century Italy to pretend old fashioned fascism will wash away our economic woes, like Ezra did. True story, that one. I agree there's more than a fair bit of usury behind our direct-deposited paychecks, but i'm about as anti-fascist as it gets. The problem is that nobody understands that our modern economy is 100% debt propelled. Nobody has a passion for assembly line animal slaughter or pressure cooking corn syrup. Back when you could retire at 45, sure yeah bring on the temporary misery, but an entire life of drudgery for 2 good years before the osteoporosis kicks in isn't worth it.

I guess i could point out how i called Brendan O'Brien the "evil corporate doppelganger of Steve Albini," but i'm not gonna deny this album sounds amazing in spite of its 1 dynamic marking from start to finish. 

There's an entire army of critics and fans who really do believe that "Mastodon is the saviour of heavy metal" nonsense, and think this album is a bit of a lull, but they are just a band. I happen to love it, but it wouldn't be the one album i implore people to go listen to. I'm not known for lying.

You suck.

Thanks! I appreciate that.

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