Metallica - Kill 'Em All


M: God what an awful racket.

B: seriously, who the hell keeps inviting Milton? It's not GWAR, it's Metallica's first album. You know, i was just gonna let the lady pumping gas into a laundry basket meme go unmentioned, but yeah humans are the worst. Apocalypse now! The three horsemen and a lady one, not the Vietnam meets Heart of Darkness one that ultimately led to the leak of The Pentagon Papers, and Nixon's resignation. Admit it, Brando was overrated.

You're not gonna believe me but this is like lullaby music for me. Seriously, i pop in this Thrash classic and all the stress just melts out of my shoulders and i get fuzzy and calm.

Did Dave 1 write half of it? Sure sounds like it. Have the last 30 years of hard rock and metal solos just been a vain attempt to emulate Kirk Hammett's Swedish Chef impersonating Eddie Van Halen impression? Certy Bergenly. Is it chock full of poignant reminders of the fragile sacracy of life and the search for cosmic oneness? Hell no, it's sounds like they are actively trying to run over your puppy with their motorcycles while also wielding chainsaws for no good reason. If this album is any indication, the reverb capabilities of Music America Recording Studio sound less like a luxury space tour of the solar system and more like the inside of a tuna can. Did they record this through the local high-scool PA system? It's 1983, but it sounds like those EVH living room demos from the early 70s. 

To be fair, we did just go from 1990 Rick Rubin with Warner money to a Zazula/Curico venture production, and Slayer's demos sound worse than even that Mob comp from Roulette. Zazula was a record store owner in New Jersey and one of his customers played some Metallica demos for him (acquired on vacation in San Francisco), and that was it. He created a record label just so he could fund and distribute this record. $15,000 was the advance, i think. 

Metallica formed in 1981, just like Sonic Youth, and there's the secret subconscious sauce we serve and you expect on all the fine cuisine here at Bottle of Beef. 

Maybe that's what i'll do. I'll just haul all the crap i make to swap meets and flea markets until i can open a record store and finally put out that Proton Funnel album like my new hero Zazula. Dream big, i say.

You know i'm just smack talking, this is a pretty historic album. The playing is phenomenal, it sounds like all the best parts of underground metal in the early 80s, and it's pretty obvious they were going places. As a kid, i experienced Metallica backward from Master of Puppets through Ride the Lightening to Kill 'Em All (hey wait, that's what happened with Red Rider too, interesting). Anywho, i feel pretty good now. Time to check if the revised version of the first book is ready to review. Second book is totally done and ready for printing, by the way. I don't know what i did, but the first one stalled in pre-production and i had to resubmit it. Se la mort, luckily all my deadlines are self-imposed.

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