Des'ree - I Ain't Movin'

You know what's even better than pointing out the day spa aesthetic of Hilary James? Flying across the Atlantic to hear the crappy British version. Des'ree. 

If there's one thing i know it's that quite often, despite everyone's best efforts, love will not in fact save the day. It didn't work in the 60s, and it's not working now. So, you can see my skepticism surface when she said "guys, i'm gonna take a break from this whole selling millions of albums thing and focus on my true passion, Naturopathy." 

I'm not talking ancient Chinese wisdom, or foot massage, or even the Colonel's secret 7 herbs and spices. I'm talking "we definitely need to rub this holy mud on that gaping flesh wound to draw out the demons." "Rub this magnet over that annoying tumor 9 times a day and you'll be good as new. "It's natural, so it's better than actual medicine." Snake venom is all-natural, want me to drink that? I'm not saying Western Medicine has the best track record with its lobotomies and circumcisions, blood letting and opioid dispenseries, but i am saying that you have a better chance with actual scientific research than you do with anything Gwyneth Paltrow put in a bottle. I also won't criticize the real psychological impact of the placebo effect. If chicken blood and magic pyramids get you back on the active path to recovery, at least there's good eating on a chicken after you leave. 

I have no idea if that's a fair assessment, it's just that as bad as Medicine can be or has been throughout history, any Alternative version is no better or worse than ignoring the problem and waiting to see if it goes away on its own. Tuberculosis and Lupus and The Plague don't spontaneously get better, no matter how much unfiltered goat urine you drink. 

The Allmusic review for her inarguable smash sophomore album I Ain't Movin' is hilarious. "A lot of things about this album are terrible, but it's a totally satisfying listen." Are you high, Tom? We're gonna apply my unpatented, ethically suspicious Bottle-valuation. It's a simple 3 question test: 1) what are you talking about?, ii) why does that matter?, and Triceratops) why should i care? 

Preamble disclaimer: i love You Gotta Be, I like her song from Baz Luhrmann's William Shakespeare's Rodolpho and Juniper, i like her voice a lot, but that's never spared anyone before, so here we go. 

1. You gotta do what it takes to keep up. Love will help. Ok, sure, no argument from me. 

2. Life's a crazy maze, so i'm gonna take a train and be homeless and barefoot in the forest. Oh, and don't forget to take along your stash of Spice melange (the withdrawls are a killer). Eh. 

3. Is this one of those God is my boyfriend songs? 

4. Remember that Rob Thomas/Santana jam? Well it's like that but we're whiny entitled garbage. There are people literally starving because of drought. We have to do something. 

5. I think this song is her singing to herself, but it's really confusing. We're gonna have to give this a "what are you talking about?" 

6. Why are you talking the lyrics? Herald the day when babies stop dying. You're gonna be sorry if you don't start stopping being terrible. Viva la revolution! Yeah, strike two, why is this song important? 

7. Don't do drugs, do love instead? It's a natural high. Strike 3, why should i care? 4 more tracks? Do i have to? Fine. 

8. Oh, this is a great song. Yeah, you shouldn't sacrifice yourself. Eyebrows are always older than the beards? That's a dumb lyric, but not without a hilariously coincidental relevance for my own weird stories. I don't disagree that love should win the civil war in your brain, it's just not going to magically happen. 

9. People from the country just don't undersrand how awesome living in terrible cities is. Maybe i'm hearing it wrong, but yeah, no more living in cities for Bottle ever. This song is so bi-polar. No, this song does not need the funny voices. Knock it off. 

10. I had a dream where i dreamed about stuff, and when i woke up i had this song in my head. Nope, another why should i care. 

11. Yay sports team! We won! Love is here! 

12. Take it away, my own title track acapella vocal with remixed percussion ensemble. Worst outro ever. 

Ok, the music is fine. Yeah, you know, if you ignore all the lyrics to everything, most albums are awesome. A few of the songs on this album are great. Legitimately wonderful. The album however is literally "that's rough, but love will fix it." Poverty and famine? Love. Homelessness? Love will fix that too. Self esteem issues? Just love yourself a little more. See? I'm happy. You know why? Love. It's like you guys aren't paying attention. Fine, if you're not going to love each other, I'm gonna go boil rocks instead. 

Is that fair? Maybe not. Is it honest? Absolutely. Des'ree was a fantastic singer. The actual words she sang? Not so much. 

E: Totally learned my lesson, Bottle. Can we be done now?

B: Hell no, two more albums. The next one looks like a real doozy. 

E: [wimper]

Part 6