Guiffria - Silk & Steel


I've mentioned this before, but the 80s had the absolute most bizarre version of "romantic." It started out as the shoulder-pads and baby powder materialism of Dionne Warwick, but by the mid 80s it had morphed into this weird i need a break from riding my motorcycle between arena gigs, c'mon babe, lay your head on my chest while i drape my leather-jacket clad arm across your shoulder as we sit on this couch in the middle of an airport hanger for no apparent reason. Welp! Time to run, those groupies over there aren't gonna have sex with themselves, see you next Tuesday. Hey, before you run off, can i borrow your hairspray? 

I'm well aware i shouldn't like it, but i love hair metal. I will unashamedly belt out the cheesiest power ballad you can think of with pure glee. Sure, it's total garbage, but I'm convinced it's a scientific fact that 80s Hair Metal fits into your dopamine receptors like a thing that fits perfectly into another thing (i don't know about you all reading this, but i'm starting to sound like Lewis Black and point a lot in my head). Has anyone tried playing power ballads for their patients with Tourette's, Parkinson's, Schizophrenia, and other mood disorders? Give it a try, and credit me with any tangible positive results (please don't blame me if it backfires). 

Of course it's just a gimmick, that's what we're looking at, the border between sincerity and complete bold-faced lying insincerity. Whether they know it or not, critics want Power Pop to have at least a passing resemblence to Power Ballad. But what if you could almost believe it? What if there was a band so obscure but completely concocted to play cheesy love glam that you actually have to question the reality you thought you knew? Ladies and Gentleladies, i give you Guifferica. No, that's not right either. Man, that font is really hard to focus on, maybe i need my eyes checked. Guernifica? Guitarrica? Guiffria? There, yeah, that's it, Guiffria. I'm fine with using your own name, Greg, but you don't exactly have one that's easy to read. Whoa, you're the keyboard player? Man, you remind me of Gary Usher, every single thing is just subtely not right. But maybe you'll surprise me. It's happened before. 

Oh, yeah, how were these guys not ginormous? It's a crime. This is amazing. The concept of their second album Silk & Steel is perfect. They put the softer, silkier songs for the ladies on Side A, and sharpen their swords for some back-alley nighttime nastiness on Side B. A split album for the split personality; that works. 

Again, why the hell weren't these guys humongolossal? Ah, there it is, Ritchie Blackmore being a "how dare you upstage us" purple-people eating prima donna. Didn't help that members were in and out and cross-pollinating with Dio and Quiet Riot either. That's a shame, 'cause Hair Metal or no these guys were fantastic, and this album is just straight up fun. Fun fact, lead singer David Glen Eisley was a minor league pitcher for one of the Giants' farm teams. Now, you wanna hear some astounding guitar solos? Lanny Cordola, my friends, Lanny Cordola. Everything about this album is cream of the crop, but these guys got shafted at every possible opportunity. Hands down winner of the Bottle of Beef Most Ridiculously Underrated and Obscure Band for Absolutely No Reason Award. Not an award title that easily rolls off the tounge, but the undisputed winner is Guifflandia, so what more could you possibly want? Lazer beam sound effects? Oh, yeah, Guiffromania's got you covered there too. 

I'm a sucker for synths and keyboards in general, so tomorrow i think we'll check out EL&P's 3rd album. People say it's pretty spectacular....

EL&P

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