Dan Vapid and the Cheats - Welcome To Dystopia
Welcome to dystopia.
I've got a real mental quagmire to wade through here. On the one hand, Dan Vapid and The Cheats released a new album today, called Welcome To Dystopia. So obviously i want nothing more than to plop on the headphones and review it like i do. But you see, i don't just run my mouth for the fun of it at someone else's expense. I pay for every album i review (in one way or another, but primarily with actual money). Maybe you didn't realize that, maybe you did, that's not important. What is important is that sleazy little part of my brain that wishes a bunch of people would pay me a couple dollars for the entertainment value of doing it on the spot. That's not so horrible, is it? I mean Facethony Talktano, and Todd in the Poor Lighting, and all those dirtbag Allmusic freelancers make money from views and patreons and sponsorship advertising when they do it. But then again, my humor is esoteric at best and you're all my actual friends. I mean, i suppose i could cheat, not give Dan $10, and pretend like nothing's wrong...
No, i can't. 1) being honest is my schtick, 2) buying music from the artists who make it is my other schtick, 3) i freakin' love Dan Vapid and the Cheats, and 4) they divide their home base between Chicago and St. Louis.
That last one might seem like a non-sequiter, but that's because you don't follow competitive chess like i sort of do. Quick synopsis, a week or two ago Magnus Carlsen lost a game in the Sinquefield Cup at the St. Louis Chess Club, packed his bags and refused to play the rest of the round-robin tournament. You might say "who gives a shit?," but he is the reigning world's best chess player, by quite a large and agreed upon margin. Most everyone assumes he though his opponent, Hans Niemann, somehow cheated. Lots of back and forth from all sorts of gamer-chair chess pundints and other grand masters, but there's a real history of nasty politics and people being terrible in competitive chess. Bobby Fischer going batshit insane, getting politically exiled for playing an embargoed match at the behest of a billionaire, and inspiring a mediocre Joe Montagne movie springs to mind. Anywho, slightly longer synopsis ahead.
See, Hans is a bit like the John McEnroe of chess at the moment. He's kind of reckless and a bit loudmouthed, but generally playing more than well enough to back it up. His story is that he spent his 2020/2021 quarantine injecting chess into his veins, and once they could play in person again his official rankings rocket blasted up in a way humans who play chess haven't ever really done before. That's sus, sure, but it can also be true.
So after that kerfuffle, eventually Hans came out and said he had cheated twice in past online games so he could more quickly get to play higher ranked players. Chess.com eventually published a statement implying that "twice" is a wildly inaccurate underestimate based on their own reading of their own database statistics, and banned him from future online tournaments. Most recently, Magnus insinuated something to the effect of one of Hans' trainers/coaches (who has publicly discussed how effective it would be at the top level merely to give even one indication that a player is good or bad in a certain critical position, not even the actual next move, just whether the position is winning/losing according to computer analysis) is doing a bang-up job.
Anywho, in the very next tournament, these two were paired up again and Magnus played 1 move then resigned. Ultimately Hans got eliminated and the finals will be boring old chess among the usual suspects, but i'm really just postponing spending $10 to review a Punk Rock album about how terrible 2020 to now has been in terms of people getting along so awfully (to borrow Depeche Mode's apt analysis). To quote Dan himself "...even Rod Serling couldn't have made the 2020 episode of The Twilight Zone if he had tried."
Fine, take my money, just like you did with your first 3 albums (because i adore them). Alright, double fine, i guess i didn't buy Escape Velocity at the end of last year either. Still cheaper than 1 LP at Target. We're only doing Welcome To Dystopia though, because the songs are specifically about "the pandemic, malignant narcissism, the rise of conspiracy theories, isolation, and unhealthy discourse on social media." I wrote books about that kind of stuff, Dan made albums. Let's enjoy.
Oh yeah, this is fantastic. Pacify Me might be my new theme song. Technically it's always been my theme song, it just didn't exist before now.
The one thing we do have to talk about is my inability to distinguish between Dan Vapid and Billie Joe Armstrong. They literally sound like the same person. Not all the time, but more often than not. I can't help it, they just do. So great news, if you're not a fan of what Green Day has been doing lately (and by lately i mean pretty much anything after 2004), then you are gonna love Dan Vapid and the Cheats. I guess if you're a right-wing idiot you'll despise them, but that's a fair deal. Right-wing punk is the wrong wing of that particular crying dove. Not sure whether to blame Prince or Stevie Nicks for that terrible joke, but i for one am hoping a few snowflakes fall in November (wink).
I don't know about you guys and gals, but i seriously love good 90s-style Punk Rock. Dan the man Vapid hasn't failed to deliver yet, as far as i'm concerned. I knew this morning's purple sunrise would lead to something spectacular, and you're not gonna convince me that Welcome To Dystopia isn't it. Wish i hadn't had to slog through all that warehouse weightlifting to get here, but now that i am i'm content to be discontent with the status quo of stupid the world has been serving us. Unvote those representatives who do the opposite of represent you, and check out the album at the link below. Below that's my dude purse, but you don't have to reimburse me for buying their new album. I was gonna whether i reviewed it or not (opposite side winky face this time). Enjoy your weekend, regardless.
https://danvapidandthecheats.bandcamp.com/album/welcome-to-dystopia
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