Janet Jackson - Control


Corey Hart was fine a few hours ago, but i think we should end the year on a real high note. So, happy last night of the year from all of the various MEs here at Bottle of Beef. Enjoy this final album of 2022 as the soundtrack:

Speaking of the 80s, i'll totally switch the blade on the guy in shades with another completely off the wall thing you'd never expect me to review but i've secretly always wanted a physical copy of: Janet Jackson's 3rd album, Control. 

But Nipplegate, Bottle, she ruined the superbowl! 

Whaaa? How dare Justin Timberlake remind us that Janet Jackson has boobs! Listen to you, then smack yourself across the face so my hand doesn't have to inconveniently sting for 3 minutes. On the scale of scandals i'd rank that about as titillating as cat paw prints in wet cement. She's the least problematic Jackson sibling by a factor of about 5,000, and Control is a groundbreaking album of Contemporary R&B, not to mention her first endeavor after severing all business relationships with the Jackson family and James DeBarge. It's also the musical precursor to New Jack Swing, so worst thing Nipplegate did was turn a couple more Boyz II Men (tee hee; i almost did a Bel Biv DeBarge joke there, but i thought that might be too esoteric). Plus, not a single person reading this knows any of the songs from her first 2 albums, but you definitely know at least 4 songs from Control. As for me, this is one of very few intentional autobiographical concept albums. There are tons of fictional autobiographical concept albums, but Janet, sorry Miss Jackson (because i assume i'm a nasty boy), is literally in control here, and that's a big fucking deal. This isn't Whitney Houston back in 1982 getting passed around to anyone with 7 minutes of down time, this is an actual dedicated team of Janet, Jimmy Jam, and Terry Lewis, and it will show. 

Wowzers, this just doesn't let up. It's one funky bassline after another with equally killer synths and hooks for days. This is so straight up fire i'm amazed no one's pressing arson charges. I know you're more used to me reserving my biggest praises for weird Rock and Metal, but good is good no matter what kind of jam you're spreading, and we've reached the track 8 cool down. You read that right, Let's Wait Awhile is the first slow jam and it's the penultimate song of the album. 

And then she introduces and concludes Funny How Time Flies (When You're Having Fun) in French. I know there are about 700 albums in my top 10 albums, but this is definitely one of them, and i might need a cold shower or half an hour of doing my taxes or something. Seriously, if you can stand up and walk around like a functional human after Janet takes Control, then you might possibly not have been human to begin with. 

I repeat, ignore the unfortunate coincidence that you remember this as Mall Pop, Control is top to bottom fire that'll make even the most jaded of insurance adjusters say "DAMN!," and sign a blank check.

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