Madonna - Like A Prayer

Beware the Ides of March. I don't know why, it's always been lovely to me. Mrs. Bottle and i got married 21 years ago this day, and not one single person has ever stabbed me to death, let alone a whole gaggle. I did have a near catastrophic choking incident in my sleep involving a phlegmy molotov cocktail of stomach acid, but that's probably way too much information. Hows about we celebrate with a bountiful harvest of completely random albums?

I can almost guarantee not a single person reading this has sat themselves down to listen to Madonna's Like A Prayer album from start to finish, because if you had you'd never stop talking about how wackadoodle it is. We start off with the eponymous Like A Prayer, follow it up with the equally banging Express Yourself, and then we get to her collaboration with Prince where all hell breaks every which way, including loose. I'm serious, it's like Craig T. Nelson pulled out the Marijuana suitcase and now we've got poltergeists and daddy issues and a manic children's love parade and the Salvadorian Civil War up to our eyeballs, and after all that we still gotta Karen-cackle at the hostess who can't find our reservation at Heaven's only Michelin Star restraunt in the computer. I refuse to apologize for adoring Madonna, and on a scale of 1 to "what the hell am i listening to" Like A Prayer is a Shoney's buffet of non-discriminatory proportions. I can't even begin to explain the complexity of that comparison, because it's 1989 and if the meme interpretations are correct she's giving Black Jesus a blowjob.

Is this album an intentional critique of Alex Schoenbaum's almost complete takeover of the American family dining experience under the Big Boy corporate umbrella from the 50s through 80s up to their $13-million buy out from Marriot in '84 and class-action discrimination lawsuit in '89 that ultimately wouldn't be decided until 1993? Probably not, but wouldn't it be cool if it was? The good news, Shoney's totally lost that lawsuit and 132 million dollars for being racist AF.

The bad news is it's a completely coherent critique of religious patriarchy and the tangible psychological torture such a social structure inflicts upon women. I wouldn't call it a feminist album by any means, Madonna still very much falls on the gender-stereotypical Mother/Sister/Object side of the argument regarding the "essence of Woman." I'm a firm believer that "woman" is neither a job title, nor a specific gender. Don't you think it's weird to go around desperately trying to figure out if every person you meet is a penis-human or a vagina-human? I think that's weird. Again, i've been monogamously married to Mrs. Bottle for 21 years now, i have absolutely no interest in having sex with anyone else, and even though i'm a penis-human and she's a vagina-human, to my mind she's the man and i'm the woman in this relationship. If that's confusing, just remember that you think you're normal when you're actually weird, whereas i think i'm weird when i'm objectively completely normal. That's actually pretty normal, so you and your whole cis-binary his and hers toilet-towel thing is WIERD. I love the person not the linguitic taxonomic categorization of the person as a shiny/desirable object.

Now, am i going to stand here at my pulpit and preach Madonna as one of the great lyricists of her or anyone else's generation? Heavens no. Am i going to deny that scandalous alternative sex appeal was a significant factor in her rise to superstardom? Also no, i was an adolescent penis-human during the peak of her career. But, in terms of making an album of songs that adds up to something much greater than the mere sum of its parts, Like A Prayer is pretty spectacular.

Also, pay close attention, there are more than a couple moments where she proves she could have been an amazing Rock/Punk frontwoman if that's what she had wanted to do instead of be the undisputed Queen of Pop. Still to this day, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift were/are totally acceptable Pop starlets for their time, but they aren't Madonna by a long shot. No contrition, i love 80s/90s Madonna, and the deep cuts on Like A Prayer will definitely surprise you. I'm not saying you'll love it as much as i do, but Prince certainly didn't phone it in for Love Song, he brought the high-octane freak-flag flying purple duffle bag full of overdubs to the studio that day. Randy Jackson didn't go easy either, i don't think he gets anywhere near the credit his bass lines deserve.

Ok, that is all. Join me again tomorrow for something equally insane. I don't know that i'll actually write about all 11 i bought, but stranger things have happened.

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