Albums for Eternity with Bottle, the Curmudgeon

Welcome to dystopia.  I've got a real mental quagmire to wade through here. On the one hand, Dan Vapid and The Cheats released a new album today, called Welcome To Dystopia. So obviously i want nothing more than to plop on the headphones and review it like i do. But you see, i don't just run my mouth for the fun of it at someone else's expense. I pay for every album i review (in one way or another, but primarily with actual money). Maybe you didn't realize that, maybe you did, that's not important. What is important is that sleazy little part of my brain that wishes a bunch of people would pay me a couple dollars for the entertainment value of doing it on the spot. That's not so horrible, is it? I mean Facethony Talktano, and Todd in the Poor Lighting, and all those dirtbag Allmusic freelancers make money from views and patreons and sponsorship advertising when they do it. But then again, my humor is esoteric at best and you're all my actual friends. I mean,...

B: Aw, hey Lower. What's wrong, bud? Bronco bucked you in the dirt?  L: We wanted to go to the party. The party in your bunker.  B: Oh jeez, i'm sorry guy. But sometimes you can't always get what you want.  L: But Willowz got to go.  B: No, no, no, i just wasn't gatekeeping thoroughly enough. That's on me. Would you feel better if we did your album next?  L: Are you gonna be nice?  B: No promises.  L: Then no. Leave us alone.  B: Are you really just upset that Pitchfork skewered you? They qualified their panning of your album with nice word things. I read it, they said there were a lot of redeemimg qualities to your crappy debut album. Sure, they backhandedly implied it's not as good as your previous underground stuff because you changed up your style and almost barely qualify as Post Punk. I'll at least merely elbow you a little. And that's assuming i don't particularly enjoy it. You guys could be great for all i know. I'm honest here, i like ma...

We're trying something different this time. My new novelette, The Bottlean Gaze, is available for download over on the home page of  bottleofbeef.com . It's a humorous (or at least attemptedly humorous) look at the male gaze. You can download it for free and share it wherever you like. You can also financially support my writing by sending some money to paypal.me/pnmit . Either way, thanks for reading. Cheers.

There's a new batch of records on the way (and a doozy of a story to go along), but today i was trying to think of the most unsung record in my collection. Actually, it was pretty easy, and i already know. It's Oak & Bone.  It seems completely ridiculous to say some random band you've never heard of made a perfect self-titled debut album and stopped, but they did. What did i say the first time around?  "... the self-titled LP from Oak & Bone. The opener is called Oakener, so you should just expect pushing Hardcore Punk as close to the edge of Stoner Death Doom as possible.   Aspirin and alcohol aren't the most exciting drugs in music, but i think we can at least give proper credit for specificity.   I'm somewhat known for being really hard on lyrics, especially when they are terrible. These aren't. It might not be your cup of caffeinated beverage, but these are legitimate free verse poems delivered with what must be the world's strongest uvula. ...

Anybody heard of Glass Animals? Me neither, but it was this or the new Florence + The Machine album, and the only thing i like less than double albums is double albums with only 3 sides. Cloudkicker gets a pass, but nobody else.  I paid how much for this? It better buy me some dry clean only clothes from the thrift shop and take then to get dry cleaned before handing them to me. I don't even want to try to guess what it is. Let's just be confused in real time. I've taken the liberty of not even looking it up, so whether you believe me or not, this is the real deal: What The Hell Are We Listening To, Bottle Tries To Guess.  White on pinkish lyric sheet, you're just trying to strain my old man eyes. Which side is A? Nothing, alright let me hold it up to the light so i can get a glare on the runout. Oh, ok, hand in front of face is Side B, no hand is Side A. It's like those hipster bathrooms with spurs on one door and a bicycle on the other.  Whaaa? Is this just the in...

Epilogue  C: so what does it all mean, Bottle?  B: it don't mean a thing. The amount of coincidence in that whole run was just that, coincidence. It's not foreshadowing, there's no ultimate answer to life the universe and everything no matter how funny the answer 42 is. It's funny because it's absurd. I might even go check out David Duchovny's 2nd album.  C: but you hated the first one.  B: who said that? Where did i say i hate it? I had a criticism, that criticism was that the album structure was crap. It didn't mean what it intended to mean, it meant the opposite for me. As music though it was lovely, and as an Alt-Rock album a decade after Alt-Rock was the thing, it's as good as any other. It's a believable album from an ironically cookie cutter world of individuality.  What was the actual theme? I didn't spell it out (even though i'm going to now), but it should be pretty obvious. Every single one of those 10 albums wrestled with the idea...

Chapter 12  And here we are on Labor Day with a thing i never even thought to imagine might exist. Obviously some people know it exists because otherwise i wouldn't be holding it in my hand and wondering what the hell i'm about to listen to. I'm not one of those people, and statistically speaking i doubt you're one of those people either. I cannot even begin to fathom the possibility that this album sold even thousands of copies. 400 at most. Friends, Countries, Roaming Men, the truth is out there, David Duchovny made an album. Yeah, only David Duchovny i know about, that David Duchovny.  Which of course begs the question, what in the wide world of alien sex addicts is a David Duchovny album going to turn out to be? Does he strum a guitar and sing crappy Country? Is he an accomplished Jazz Pianist like H. Jon Benjamin? Is he about to Rod McKuen up my earballs 'til they burst? Does he beatbox while playing Trombone? I [clap emoji] am [clap emoji] terrified [clap emoj...