Albums for Eternity with Bottle, the Curmudgeon

Wanna know a secret? My wife doesn't like the album reviews where i talk to my imaginary friends. She thinks they make me sound like a crazy person. Joke's on her, i am a crazy person. Not quite a year ago i said that the obnoxiousness of Cage The Elephant's Thank You Happy Birthday was the best part. Great news, it still is. I still don't like their first, or any of their subsequent albums, but this one is wonderful. Matt just trails off into mindless screaming on half the songs, and that's exactly what it's like walking around my head all night. In between all the ads for used pinball machines, hypocritical hate mongering masquerading as humor, and whatever it is National Geographic thinks it's doing recently, lies my obnoxious nightly brick wall of text, and i like to think that ignoring it brings a little comfort to each and every one of you.  I'm am of course being facetious. Bottle isn't necessarily supposed to be a likable character. He's

Here's a little story about how my subconscious works: Alright, which one of you hooligans did it? Did what? Put Donna Summer on top of the stack. No one. We haven't touched 'em since Skip's little Kenny Rogers fiasco. Honest. But, it's too much. It can't be coincidence.  What are you talking about, Bottle? You reviewed that album back before any of us got involved. Pinkie swears all around, we aren't playing a game here. See! You're doing it right now. The whole album is pink. No, we aren't doing anything! Look, i ran out of ideas for what to do next, so i did what i always do, and went back to p(nmi)t's brain farts and Spirit to recalibrate. Had a nice conversation with some lady while she waited for a bus, then wandered the streets for a while with no particular destination in mind. Now here i am finally picking up what i thought would be a random album, and it turns out to be the very first Geffen album from the year of Mrs. Bottle's birt

Remarking on the freshness of garbage with each and every person that he meets. 'Scuse me? Oh, sorry, just thinking out loud. It's a lyric from a Spirit song. You ever feel like life seems to be one big round and round? Sometimes. Who are you? I dunno, but you can call me Bottle.  What do you mean you don't know?  I mean i don't know. No idea who i am. Well, no idea who i am to me, i am whomever you think i am. That's cryptic, mister. No, mister waters the plants mid morning, i just hold things in my brain until it's time to pour them out. Strange. Where are you headed? Above my shoulders. Well, that's certainly a face on your face, uh, oh yeah, nowhere. I just wanted to sit for a while. Stew in my own juices sort of thing. Oh, i thought you were waiting for a bus like me. I assure you, the thought of comparing you to a bus never crossed my mind. Oh, oh, gotcha, no i find that wherever it is you can walk there from here. Sorry, i have a habit of thinking fun

Hey Bottle, what's a short squeeze?  That's a spicy meatball there Skip. Why? Have you been talking to Capsaicin again?  Well, he was just talking out loud, but i don't know what half the words mean, and it sounded more like a movie gun fight than anything.  Yeah, insider jargon is special. What's your conceptual framework of the stock market?  Huh?  Conceptual framework. You know, is it a normal boring market, is it gambling, is it connected to reality, are stock brokers providing a service to their customers or selling a product? Do you want to know about Citron and Melvin specifically, or do you need the schism between daytraders and investment firms as background. Is this an answer your 2 questions humorously thing, or do i have to start from scratch?  Oh. I dunno. I guess i just wondered how they're still in business after losing 5 billion dollars.  Because a couple other billionaires bailed them out. Citron covered its position quickly for a mere 100% loss. Me

Alright, pop quiz time. Why are we listening to Lighthouse tonight?  Ooh! Ooh! I know, i know! I know you know, Cognate. You've got that unfair advantage of being eventually omniscient. I wanna see if Skip and Sandra can spot the coincidence. Horns? It's got horns and the same kind of authentic emotional content as Black Pumas? Nope. They both have songs called Old Man like Neil Young, and we went from Texas to Canada. But unlike Neil Young, they're calling themselves "old man." I'm way more simple than you guys pretend i am. Oh, binary opposites and Bottlean character traits, i should have known. Of course you should have known that, Skip. You half-assed edited the book, for crying out loud. Now for the real test of Compy's acumen: drug of choice? Oh, oh, i know this one. Same as another one, but from even further south. Oh yeah, got it! Stan Getz and Bob McBride, robbing drug stores for Morphine.  Very nice. Can the love of a woman get you higher than la

Alright, we all agree that Black Pumas is fantastic, right? Winner of the Bottle of Beef award for Best Album We've Heard Since the Last Best Album? Gladys is clapping, 4 head nods plus mine, op! GREGORY'S seems to have popped loose. C-d starter, be a dear and hand it back to him. Ok, where was i? Oh yeah, why? Certainly not simply because Trump isn't president any more. Sandra? That voice. Cucumber? Quesada. He's not just some random guy from Austin, but he heard Burton and was like "yeah, you're perfect for this project i've been toying with." GREGORY? THE WHOLE PACKAGE. EVERYONE IS DOING THEIR OWN THING, BUT IT ALL FITS SO WELL TOGETHER. Yep, all of that, plus fantastic guitars and keys, and it's totally devoid of trickery. Honest love, honest perseverance, and engagement with the actual world. It's old school, but right now. And lastly, the lyrics aren't stupid. That was my real criticism of Kenny Rogers, wasn't it. He was singing a

Bottle, are you ok? Gnnnnhh. You're drooling there boss, you ok? BOTTLE! Hhnggff. Shut up, C-turtle, i'm listening. What are you listening to? I said shut up! ..... Oh, man! That was even better than i thought it would be. What an amazing album. Oh, hey guys, been here long? About 20 minutes, just watching you drool and bob your heard back and forth. What are we in for tonight? Glad you asked, Sandra. Well, previous Bottle heard a song by a band and thought "yes please, more of that!" So he went over to the googlemabox and asked the nice people at Plaid Room Records to please send him a copy of Black Pumas. Those nice folks in Loveland, Ohio wrapped it in cardboard and handed it to some other nice people at a Post Office who planed, trained, and/or automobiled it over to the Bunker of Beef here in Iowaland. It arrived in tip top shape, and oh my it's so pretty. I of course, being the unabashed audioglut that i am, took the first available moment to enjoy it in all

Now here's an interesting album. Judith is the 12th studio album by Judy Collins, and even random people in their basements say it's 50/50. The highs are exceptional, the lows are indication that she's gonna make a bunch of albums that suck. Can i bring a different point of view to the table? Yeah, i think so. What other mid-career 12th albums about dying are you going to compare it to? Seriously, 28 studio albums. Least effective Jagger/Richards cover ever? Admit it, you're assuming the original Salt of the Earth wasn't a sarcastic snipe at elitism, and you're not noticing that this is a farce in its own right. This is a two-faced album, and you're just ignoring the other face. You say half this album is great, half is crap, but you never bother to ask why the half you don't like is there in the first place. I'm not saying i have the right answer, but half broadway musical, half honky-tonk isn't an accident. Part of the reason self titled albums

Relax, i'm not actually going to make you listen to Throbbing Gristle again. I did, and it worked like a charm, but i fully acknowledge i'm weird. So instead, we'll listen to Flyleaf. It's the album of the extended EP of the EP of Flyleaf.  Aren't they Christian Rock?  Yes and no. Spoiler alert, nothing about this album is coherent, and it's unanalyzable. But, it's a completely honest album, so even though i think it's total nonsense, and i would almost certainly become suicidal if i thought that way, we have to take Lacey's word for it and agree to disagree. I love their sound, her voice, the way the songs feel, the melodies and counterpoint, and the almost primal misery that is the concept of the album. It starts at the nadir of human psychological misery and proceeds to build up the mythologies of a new functional existence. Spoiler alert again, it's Jesus. What's the corporate marketing strategy version of Lacey Sturm née Mosley? Drug add

So you're saying Conservatives are optimists and Liberals are pessimists? Almost. Conservatism most definitely correlates to optimism, philosophical optimism that is, but i'm not happy with the opposition between conservative and liberal. Conservative and Progressive are the real opposition in my mind. Pessimism/optimism equals progressive/conservative.  So, if i understand you right, John Denver's optimism is irritating because that kind of thinking actually pulls society apart? Oh, you were so close to a Chavelle quote there, Skip. Let's give spastic children drugs so they can concentrate on the things we think are important, and save a lot of money on playground equipment in the process. Drugs are cheap by comparison, and isn't that why we manufacture drugs in the first place? They work great. That type of thinking could do us in. It might alleviate your symptoms of being a complete stick in the mud, but it certainly doesn't solve the underlying problem. Medi

Yep, today it's The Compositions of Dizzy Gillespie, because Kris Karr mentioned playground merry-go-rounds, and i have an album for that. Dizzy, Monk, and Bird are like the My Three Dads of Bebop. It took 20-30 years for the jazz world to catch up. Cab Calloway didn't like his adventurous approach to soloing, but i imagine it was getting stabbed after blaming him for blowing spitballs in rehearsal that really soured their relationship.  Hey Diz, how'd you get fired?  Stabbed the bandleader in his thigh. Wouldn't even let me apologize or nothin'.  Yep, that'd do it. True story. Wanna hear another one? He declared himself a write in candidate for the 1964 presidential election and listed Phyllis Diller as his running mate. Man, i'd love to live in that world today. He got a 4-F from a MEPS during his WWII interview for saying that the number of times the United States kicked his ass might just lead to unintentional friendly fire. And you thought Arlo Guthrie&

Oh, looks like they're waking up. How bad do you think they'll retaliate, C-ment mixer?  In Scoville units? Probably somewhere between Ghost Pepper and Carolina Reaper.  So they're packin' heat, but just shy of pepper spray? Alright, i can probably survive. Wakey, wakey, rise and shine, bring me all the pain that's mine.  Huh? I had the weirdest dream.  Me too.  I'll bet. Why don't you two go for a walk, and when you remember what it was i did you can think up some suitable punishment. Off you go. Trash can on the left, Skip.  Barf!  There you go. Feel better? See you crazy kids later.  What's the chances they'll goof and actually pick something enjoyable, C-wolf?  Did you leave any secretly good stuff in that pile you passed over the first time?  Maybe one or two, but definitely not 20.  Well then, prepare for Sandra's iron heel.  You been sifting through Jack London novels or something? I guess we'll just prepare for the call of the wild...

You ok Bottle? Yeah, fine Skip, why? You just look beat. You mean different from the way i normally look? Yeah, a little.  Sorry, i'll try to fake it better. Jeez, you are in a bad state. What's going on inside your brain? I don't think you guys want to go there. It's like an evil carnival ride operated by murderously drunk clowns. The whole world sounds like John Zorn and Mike Patton made a deathmetal-jazz--funk-musicaconcréte album as the audio personification of a 1950s education propaganda film puppet. That sounds horrible, but kind of intriguing. Well, you know Sandra, that's why we just blackout while i go live it. Usually i can tune it all out, but today just pushed all my elevator buttons and i had to stop at every floor. Surely you're exaggerating.  No, Skip, i'm actually putting it nicely. I have an album for it if you're just desperate to suffer along with me. It's the part of experimental rock history that would make your guidance council

No story, just The Very Best of John Lee Hooker.

Jeez, Bottle. What crawled up your ass and died?  Huh?  Well look, sure we've been living through our own years of the Black Rainbow , but you're all wishy-washy all of a sudden.  No, no. You're reading it wrong. Look, every review is just another thread in this wandering woven world. The Klein Bottle is just my version of a decent myth. We need every possible pathway. The suffering is awful and the happiness is real. I'm just trying to read the times. I'm not buying what they're selling, but i'm right here in the now doing my damnedest to really experience life.  Some people just don't understand, so they search for some magic wormhole back to "the better times," some people want to build teleporters and skip over all this terrible stuff, but some of us feel like this is exactly the right place to be. Obviously we get upset when people try to steal it from us, but we aren't the ones out there wreaking havoc. We're the one's whose v

How am i supposed to review this thing, Skip? Well, what are you asking Year Of The Black Rainbow to do, Bottle? Do you want it to be just another Coheed And Cambria album? Do you want it to explain the psychological climax that led to their fight against Wilhelm Ryan, the supreme ruler waging war to take over Heaven's Gate? Do you want it to be relevant to real life? Do you want to just crap on Atticus Ross' (over) production?  I don't know, Skip. I'm not a normal critic, i'm an analyst. I break it down into its component parts, them reassemble them to show how it works. You just did that for me, review over.  That can't be the whole story. You've got thousands of things you could say about it.  Yeah, sure, but why? Anybody can search for the synopsis and experience it for themselves. Does describing it actually influence anyone to go listen to it? Is it just fun to listen to me rant? Aren't i supposed to be dreaming up creative ways to sell people my u

Hahahahaha! Please excuse my knee-slapping outburst of belly laughing. We looked at the bad rats, now we'll hear from The Good Rats. Beautiful. Admit it, you have no idea what this album is, do you Sandra?  No, i just knew it was the end of the story.  Well, let's review. I was making it up as we went along, we all know that for true. We established that you really did assemble them from some deep gut feeling it would tell a story about your character without contradicting the character i've already established for you. We started out in the sleazy underground industrial discotheque, worked our way up through the secretly more sleazy world of big business pop (sadly losing some friends along the way), with the delicious irony that business is class, people are trash, and crash landed in the pacific with the most Zappa-like album ever created from the complete opposite approach of Zappa, and found out you ran away leaving those sad rich losers feeling like sad rich losers (t

Steam Powered Dildo invented Yacht Rock? The Motels was "on the nose?" Seriously, Sandra, you're gonna give me a heart attack trying cram all of this into one bottle. Okay, Steely Dan made a because Japan album. Sandra's making that 'splaining eyebrow, so i better make like Lucy. I just mean that Japan takes it's corporate capitalism very serious. The best, the newest, the marketable. Your value as a person is mostly interchangeable with your value to your company. Obviously, i have some deeply ingrained prejudices against that, so i set them aside for this album, which would otherwise be considered overproduced by Swiss watchmaker standards. Enough, get on with it.  Here's one of the 8 seminal Yacht Rock albums, one of the top test records for audio equipment due to it's immaculate production, it's Aja. No, you're pronouncing it wrong, it's pronounced "Asia." Jeez, even the title is obtuse.  Here's the thing about Steely Dan,

Prism's 4th album, Small Change? You ARE pandering! No, no, no one will notice we fired Ron and changed from wacky, synthy arena rock to tastefully synthy adult oriented softish rock, then just gave up altogether. I already told you that story, this is the actual crash.  Luckily, i also told you it doesn't bother me a bit. I still like Prism, even this album. What i don't like is buttering me up. This is supposed to be what Sandra wants Bottle to review next, not what Sandra thinks Bottle might like to hear. What say you?  Ha! You're wrong, Bottle. I can say with complete honesty that i put no thought into it whatsoever. I had Compy give me a list of stuff that you liked by surprise, and just happened to find some albums from those bands. But, i picked them for no reason other than they felt like i should pick them all together. I was worried i went overboard, but i think i won.  Yep, you're right. You did. The face on your face says it all. I have no counter argume

I'm out of order? You're out of order. The whole trial is out of order! From day 1 everybody said totally fine if British people want to play this pretentiously juvenile and bombastic form of rock music over on their island, but this is America, damnit. Progressive, schmogressive, you'll write pop chord changes, and you'll like it! Gold and Platinum selling albums labeled as "commercial failures," the band feeling like the thousands of people there to see them in concert didn't like these songs. Kansas IS prog-rock, not imitating prog-rock, or flirting with prog, they ARE prog. Reading anything about Kansas is like following a cookbook recipe but substituting every ingredient without measuring and then complaining to the writer that it tastes terrible.  Why is it Sandra's 4th pick? Well, clearly we're dealing with different interpretations of the same phenomena, trying to understand some perspective different from your own. Oh wait, did i unbag the

I said across her nose, not up it! The Eurhythmics, Touch, the one with Who's That Girl, no less. Alright Mz. D. Are you playing a game here?  Of course i am, Bottle. This is fun. I mean, it's all coincidence and i expect it to fall apart any time, but you were making up stories and i can play that game. If it's going to be about me, i might as well be me. Oh no, Skip's gone cross eyed.  Skiperoni! Snap, snap, come back to the now.  I'm so confused.  We know. K, best explanation i got. Ready?We're inside a Klein Bottle. Well, inside is relative. The point is it's impossible to pin down which direction we're going. Now is now, obviously, but that doesn't mean you're living it that way. Try to give it a twist through the 4th dimension so that you're living your memories while reality fractalates around that stream of consciousness.  Whaa?  Ok here's a good example. Hello, Michael Kamen. It's great to see you again. You guys remember Mic

  4-4-4-6  [Ring, ring, click]  Sandra speaking, how may i assist?  We took the liberty of starting without you.  Pretty sure you know i know that, Bottle. You picked up The Motels first, and i figured you didn't need me there for that one. It's a tad "on the nose," as you like to say. Pretty sure you know i know you did that, Sandra. Hurry up, i'm just about to light the indoor campfirehazard.  ...Several eventful moments later...  Everybody here with all their facial hair? Good. We've had a few dress rehearsals for the next day of the rest of our lives, but today it's Sandra's turn. Everyone give her a round of applause, this is a big step. No, C-horse, not the slow clap, you jackass, a nice golf clap or even a coffee house finger snap is more appropriate. Our friend Sandra has decided to join us for this round of Adventure Time. Normally we'd be gentle on her, but she's dead set against that, so are there any questions about the first album

Do you hear it, dead C-scrolls?  Hear what, Boss.  I'm not the boss of anyone, Cease and desist. The heels of those Freebirds pacing back and forth across the floor of Sandra's office.  Can i go with a no on that, B-man?  You can, but they're deafening.  You got a telltale heart or something? I don't hear anything.  No, no, no. 1) i didn't do anything wrong, 2) even if i did i'd say "i'm sorry, it was not my intention to cause whatever problem this is, how would you like me to clean up my mess?", and 3) Sandra wouldn't pace about stuff like that, she'd eyebrow me 'til i squirmed or else just nip me in the bud permanently. No, she's contemplating, and that's pants-wettingly terrifying.  If you say so. You did blab her backstory all over everywhere the other day.  I made at least half that up. Not the Janet part, accidentally call her Janet and you'll lose at least one testicle. Chad made the mistake of using his useless super

Now i'm confused, Bottle. What's going on with this story? Did i miss a memo?  I don't send memos, Skip. You guys are all on different time lines, and right now Sandra's in retrograde.  That doesn't make any sense. She clearly has memories of the stuff that has happened since i got here, or else she wouldn't know who i am.  Standard misconception of time lines, you're thinking of the River Song version from Dr. Who. That's not how it works down here. Down here is chronological, but up there isn't. Reality jumps around like when i pick random albums on consecutive nights. Someone has a brilliant idea, it catches fire like California, and when it's all said and done i point out that was a Hitchcock plot from the 50s. Down here she's having new experiences as they happen, up there she's slowly forgetting them in the opposite order. Up there is Devo, down here is the adventure.  No, that still sounds like nonsense.  So? It's my nonsense.

You know who needs a more fleshed out back story? Sandra. Take it away wordy words: They call me Ubiquitous Jones. I'm sure I had another name once, but it's hard to remember things you don't have daily use for. It's hard to remember anything with precision these days. I should explain; they call me Ubiquitous Jones for a reason. I was there. Whatever it was, I saw it happen. I may not have had the best vantage point.  Obviously I wasn't, but that's the easiest explanation this side of the Borg consciousness. There's a distinct difference between remembering something and describing what you saw. Memories are never singular; your senses coalesce and form a network of associations. Color and smell become a taste, ideas become people in the background . . . you get the idea. I don't have that problem. I simply observed what happened; a fact, to which I have no sentimental attachment. I guess I literally know what I experienced. I don't remember when it