The Oak Ridge Boys - Christmas

 And then there is this. This thing. I have so many questions. Who's apartment did they break into to shoot this cover? I'm pretty sure The Oak Ridge Boys live in a hollow log near a banjo playing opossum. Waaaiiiit... that's a mirror. That room is empty. They broke into an uninhabited room and just set up a christmas tree.

Who abandoned all those children at this breaking and decorating fiasco? I'd take any package these weirdos gave me straight to the nearest bomb disposal robot.

"Christmas Carol"? A crazy lady who knows every song and thinks everyday is christmas? Seriously? I hope for Bobbie Sue's sake they never find her. Even Santa Clause is over in the corner saying "please don't shoot! None of this was my idea, I swear!"

Look, I'm just a snarky imaginary music critic and you have every right to like The Oak Ridge Boys as much as you want, but let's not pretend that this is good for anybody. This is bad. My uncontrollable laughter is clearly a defense mechanism. I haven't even listened to side b yet. I had to take a smoke break, and feed my dogs, and finish my rum and coke, and i'm still not mentally prepared to hear the rest of it. Well, here goes nothing.

Side b starts off better, wrong choice of word,  it's more normalish Oak Ridge Boys. I spoke too soon, "Thank God for Kids" is creepy and confusing, but it's probably just bad songwriting. Silent night is fine. Damnit, as soon as i said that he started talking and it's like he's reading from cue cards while also trying to keep up with a metronome.

Another song where you personify generic words? If i were Mary, i'd run as fast and far away as possible.

You know what i was saying about Barbra's personality being more important than just her singing christmas songs? Well it's exactly the opposite with these crazies. The more generic the better. Do not let them ad lib. Do not feed them after midnight. Lock your doors, hide your daughters and your sons, The Oak Ridge Boys are on the loose, and they will pet your dog until its head falls off.

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