The Final Cut

... and then out of nowhere, Margaret Thatcher cared very much about Argentina's invasion of the Falkland Islands. So much so, she waged her own private undeclared war. In the end, i think everybody agreed to just pretend like they own it, but don't actually kill each other any more.

Pink Floyd was easier, since they didn't file their paperwork properly from the get go, the court said figure it out yourselves, ya whiny children. Gilmour got Pink Floyd and Waters got The Wall. Roger eventually apologized for being a jerk. Score one for due process diplomacy.

What happened after The Wall boils down to this. Richard was out of the picture completely (don't worry, he'll be back), and Nick didn't care anymore. David and Roger, sittin' on a couch. Roger's plan was to use tracks that didn't actually make it onto The Wall for the soundtrack to the movie version of The Wall. Then along comes Maggie. Scrap that, let's make an album about the Falklands (not technically a) War.

Jorge Louis Borges famously described it as "a fight between two bald men over a comb." Bald Margaret Thatcher, that's a funny mental image. 907 pointlessly dead people, and both countries still to this day pretend they own it? That seems lame.

Gilmour's response was "dude, we all sat here and decided those songs weren't good enough for the last album. Are they suddenly awesome because you don't like Thatcher? That seems lame. Let's make an actual new album with actual new music that IS awesome."

Roger replied "i don't see you offering up any bright ideas."

David calmly said "yes, we all know i go through periods of objective laziness. Now is one of them. Do it if you're mind's made up, just don't waste too much of our money."

Roger that, Roger did, and when it was over he decided Pink Floyd was a deflated pig balloon, and he got quite a shock when David replied "great news, i not feeling lazy anymore. Shove off. Nick and I have a new album to make. We met this great keyboard player named Richard Wright, don't know if you've ever heard of him. Toodles."

I've honestly never heard Roger Floyd's The Final Cut. Guess it's time to see what all the fuss was about.

Great news! It took exactly 1 minute for me to hate it. I'm with Gilmour, this blows. It's way too on the nose, and it's whiny. It should have stayed a solo album like everyone pretends it is. I haven't even made it to track 3 yet. Aw, another crap "Dogs" solo from Gilmour. You can tell exactly how little he cared because he didn't even dial in a tone. He turned on the crappiest amp and squinted like he was constipated.

It would make a fascinating aesthetic study. It's sombre and serious and reverent music, but Waters' delivery screams smarmy bile. "That's how the high command took my daddy from me!" ? "Jesus, Jesus, what's it all about?" ?? Low octave vocal underdub ???

I'm calling Finger 11 on this one. Narcissistic douchebaggery. Eat rat poison.

Don't misunderstand me, i completely get where he's coming from, and i clearly have a lot of ideas and feeling in common with Roger Waters, but this is too much. This isn't Pink Floyd. It's not clever, or intelligent, it's pretentious. The pretense is that we're supposed to feel sorry for Roger. This isn't what he meant with Dark Side of the Moon, this is "feel sorry for me, i command it." It's a grown ass man being childish.

It's a good thing he had no plans to tour it, because i could not even begin to imagine how uncomfortable it would be to see it or perform it live in a bar, or theater.

All of which is a shame, because there's some truly great music in here. It's the specific lyrical content that's the problem. Finger 11 and Seether look a little less horrible by compsrison, and that's an atrocity.

Oh god another ghastly ragged melodic guitar solo. The melody for "Fletcher memorial..." is amazing but "a final solution can be applied" reminds me of a hardcore Jesus fan named Shireen Salyor. Remember that baby nailed to a tree? Yeah, that's how this makes me feel. How can you walk around the universe legitimately feeling and thinking that way? It how Emerson felt about An Officer and A Gentleman. It's grotesque.

Sell it to Rolling Stone? Even Kurt Loder couldn't like this one. Footnote: Kurt Loder wasn't just a nobody MTV personality, he was THE editor of Rolling Stone in the 80s.

Final verdict? Congratulations, Ummagumma! You just cracked the top 13!

Do not go listen to this album. Forget it like everyone else did. Really. I'm serious. It's a complete waste of awesome cover art. As soon as my own tears evaporate, we'll move on to (spoiler alert) my two favorite Pink Floyd albums.

Reason

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