Way too many Waltzes

Blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch, i implore you, must i really binge listen to these 30 waltzes all in one go? 

Fine. 

Bottle of Beef trepidatiously presents the Longines Symphonette Society's proud presentation of the Treasury of Waltzes from the Family Library of Beautiful Listening. We've officially exceeded my prepositional phrase quota, so that's fun. I can't help but notice, however, that my boxed set is missing both the enthralling 16 page booklet chronicling the history of waltzing and any indication as to who or what actually performed the 30 waltzes i'm about to hot dog eating contest into my brain. All i know is that Divisional Vice-President Eugene Lowell produced it, so i assume these are random recordings from the 1940s, because The Longines Symphonette Society was a mail order side hustle subsidiary of daddy Cartoun's Longines Watch Company. They literally bought the entire Capital Record Club catalog and republished random boxed sets from it between 1968 and 1975. Fun fact, they along with Reader's Digest were two of the biggest names involved with the 1968 FTC investigation into lotteries, sweepstakes, and deceptive marketing because they would just straight up mail shit to random people's houses fishing for additional sales. Endlessly uncancelable subscription records at above standard retail price sounds right up their alley, doesn't it? 

Anywhozles, enough procrastination, go ahead LSS, kidnap us, wrap us in "Living Sound" whatever that is, and hide us in August Dirigl's ridiculous cave inside Neuschwanstein Castle. They didn't call him Mad Ludwig for being unflamboyantly non extravagant, they called him that because he was gay, adored Wagner, and they didn't like that he spent his personal fortune building castles where they didn't want more castles. Leave Britney alone! Again, for some reason!! 

Sorry, what was i talking about? Oh yeah, Waltzes. A shit load of 'em. And a 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3.... 

The one thing i can't snark on The Longines Symphonette Society (not to be confused with the actual Longines Symphonette ensemble) for is their commitment to quality. These things are thick, the sleeves are poly-lined (insanely decadent for 1973) as opposed to raw wood pulp, and thick cardboard boxes are not the cheap way to go. The music is second hand schillery for a quick dirty dollar, but the presentation is for lack of a better word legitimate. 

What's it like to listen to 30 waltzes recorded back in the 40s in a single sitting? Glad you asked. Sound wise it's totally fine. I mean, if you're gonna compare it to say the brand spanking new 2020 Mivos recording of Steve Reich's quartets i listened to the other day then yeah this has a decidedly Macy's Thanksgiving Parade pre-recorded radio broadcast quality to it, but for recording a full orchestra you could, and many did, do decidedly much worse. 

As for 6 sides of nothing but ABA in 3/4, we'll see what we hear, but even a casual classical listener knows every side a track except Sibelius's Valse Triste, and these guys and gals don't perform them weird at all. Waltz of The Flowers is way too hot for the last track and my pristine and shiny copies sound on the edge of shredded wheat for a speaker cone, but that's a quirk of vinyl altogether rather than this particular pressing. 

Oof, the end of Sylvia Waltz has some real onion notes at the end. Coppelia Waltz is the first real drop in quality, it's definitely a 1940s tuna can sounding recording. Raymonda Waltz is better, but i am starting to feel the shall we say "lack of variety" take effect. Masquerade Waltz does have a kooky Addams Family vibe to it, so that's kind of fun. But then back into the tin can for Romeo And Juliet. Maybe i'm being too fussy, this isn't anywhere near the bottom of the barrel, these are actually good recordings for the time, it's only when you randomly smash them all together that you really notice the differences in location and equipment and mic placement. Plus, i am keenly aware Merry Widow is number 11. 

Ahh! Why is Liebeslieder suddenly heavily tilted to the left? Seriously, both ears are playing, but the entire orchestra lives in the space between my left eye and ear. I caught my subconscious self physically leaning in my chair. Girofla Waltz is panned back to normal, but it's right at the edge of microphone distortion. 

And Minute Waltz on solo Piano panned slightly to the right. We're barely slmost halfway through and this album is making me a tiny bit seasick. And back to what feels like listening to an orchestra at maximum volume on a 2 inch tweeter with gauze wrapped around my head like i have an old timey tooth ache. 

Halftime. Imma say i earned an intermission. Be back in a bit...

... ok, Waltzes, part deux. Yep, still a Waltz. Recording is better though, so that's good. Spoke too soon, back into the technicolor cavern we go. I realize i have a stronger vivid mental imager than many people, but it's very bizarre when the orchestra randomly teleports from five feet to 40 yards away and back again. One moment it's totally normal fidelity, next it's a poorly stored VHS dub of a Lawrence Welk rerun, then back to some semblence of professional engineering. Makes my eyes water, to be honest. 

Two more sides to go. Oh thank goodness, Skater's Waltz sounds lovely. Still 9 more to go, but maybe we'll survive after all. 

I've taken the liberty of just suffering through the rest of it, and here's my honest appraisal. Take record 2 and deposit it directly into the dumpster. The first and 3rd have some unpleasant moments in the engineering department, but LP 2 is a just a tire fire of all shades of terrible. Next, no you definitely shouldn't listen to this all in one sitting. I guess at least if you do then you have the accordion and boozy trombones on side 6 to look forward to, but you could also just skip to that good part without all the needless suffering before hand. 

I'm not going to lie and say they made no effort, they clearly did. Recording quality aside, this 3-record monstrosity does totally flow, they picked surprisingly effective openers-fillers-closers, but as a pure listening experience it's too much of way too much chaos. Not as mentally numbing as say the Oasis discography or 2 Buckethead albums in a row, but not far behind if you get what i'm saying. 3/4 is kind of like Elmer's glue or a strong aftershave, a little dab will do you. 

Seriously, side 1 and side 6 make a great listen as an actual album. You get the family picnic standard waltzy stuff you already know, then put the kids to bed and it's Waltzing After Dark, accordion and nightclub brass like Jackie Gleason arranged 'em. I don't know why i'm telling you all this, no one should approach this monstrosity out in the wild, but if for some reason they mailed a copy to your grandparents 50 years ago, check out the bookends and leave the entire inner 4 sides completely alone.