Albums for Eternity with Bottle, the Curmudgeon

As is tradition for New Year's Eve, we bring out the psychedelic space-monster and beg him to let us take one more turn on the doomy-go-round. If you recall, last year i said i'd try to be nicer. I failed on that one, didn't i? Extenuating circumstances, schmekstenuating smirkumstances, i lost my shit a couple times, as the kiddos like to say. I'm officially a grumpy old man, Graybottle the Beardnificent. But you know what? I'm still going to wake up tomorrow. I'm still gonna put on pants and shoes and stuff, feed the chickens, play with power tools, and generally enjoy what time i have. If there was a suggestion box around i'd probably write something like "I think it would be a great idea if we could all focus our time and energy on getting all the important things taken care of as quickly and efficiently as possible, instead of wasting at least 1/3 of our waking day doing pointless busy work for someone else. I have tons of my own busy work that need...

You know who lived 2020 for their entire career? The Specials. No seriously, from a structuralist perspective there is literally no difference between Thatcher era England and Trump era America. People are fleeing metropolitan areas in droves because A) they can't afford to live there, and B) they can't afford the actual cost of handing your city over to major corporations. Bottle version of their bio in 3, 2, 1...  What was the driving force behind Punk/New Wave in England? C'mon, you remember. Why?.... why are?... Ok, fine. Why are all you people so goddamned racist?!  Ozzy told you his story about the skinheads around Birmingham, Red Rider gave you their unhelpful synopsis of the lunatic fringe from a Canadian perspective, but let's hear it from the band with actual stab wounds. Side note, everyday Brits don't have the right to keep and bear arms, so they stab each other instead. The shape of the weapon is relatively unimportant when you've reached the bottom...

We've reached that radian of the endless spiral of regurgitating revolutions where youtube pukes out covers and analyses of The Aeroplane Over The Sea. That's not me, it's totally youtube. Maybe Jeff Magnum felt like he needed some attention and paid someone to bump him up the algorithm rankings, i don't know. What i do know is the original is unimprovable upon.  Sorry, but you can't honestly tell me the meaning is transferrable, because this is 100% Jeff Magnum's inner monologue. You can understand THAT it means something, but you and i can't communicate in this language. I'm reluctant to make the comparison, but it's a bit like Cobain in that the words obviously fit together like that, but they don't mean what they say. They don't mean the same thing if YOU say them. Or, like, sure you can cover a Cake song, but you'll just come across as a douchebag if you do. All this lofi diy gutter folk is like that, much more than any other genre. ...

Give him the chair, turn on the bug zapper,  shock rock him. Something theatrical. He loves that stuff even though he doesn't have a lot in his collection.  How does he manage to get both insult and compliment in one little package? Carl's in charge, and also the janitor. I've seen the world from both sides now, so here's Carl's vicarious present, Alice Cooper's Raise Your Fist and Yell. Yep, that's the face Carl usually makes at me when i pass him in the hallway. It's also Kip Winger's second and last Cooper album. This 10th album is supposedly from Alice's horror movie tie in period, Freddy Kruger himself makes a cameo on here somewhere. None of these songs are well known, no radio play ever, smack dab in the middle of the late 80s with Madonna on one side and England/Germany calling the stage show for the tour too graphically violent for public consumption on the other. James Randi (rest in peace, Mr. Skeptic) originally designed their guillot...

I'm slightly trepidatious about Skip's pick. Not that i won't like it, but he's surprisingly difficult to figure out. I guess that makes sense, if you could guess what the editor is thinking you wouldn't need an editor, would you? Alright, bring it, Skip says:  Get him something that's missing from a band's discography. Fill in the gaps.  Oh, yeah, totally how an editor would think. I was worried for nothing.  Oh. Oh no. The Boomtown Rats. Compy found their second album, A Tonic For The Troops. Oh boy.  Ok, i haven't heard it. I'm fairly sure i will like it, but i haven't been exactly forthcoming when it comes to the two albums i did review and the one i haven't reviewed. I loved The Fine Art of Surfacing, and their first album was great too, but there's a reason The Boomtown Rats aren't famous, and it's because The Boomtown Rats are offensive. I don't mean they use bad words (i love those), i don't mean they have question...

Who next? How about Gladys? What's her note say?  Poke him in the ribs, but make sure it's delicious. Find something from a band that surprised him. Prog rock maybe. I know he wants a copy of Brain Salad Surgery, but we'll just pretend like i don't know what that means and settle for Kansas, or Argent or something like that.  Just like a grandma, isn't she? Oh, wow! There's no joke here, i freakin' love Kansas and every other opinion is crap. Point Of Know Return, the one with Dust In The Wind and an unnecessary pun. That's a total Gladys move right there.  This one has the same stupid criticisms as Leftoverture: b-grade English prog blather, too crazy but not crazy enough, Dust In The Wind is the only good thing they ever recorded. Even the movie Hi Fidelity took a jab at Kansas for this album. Too obvious for a lead off title track?!? You're all idiots, this is glorious. A song about Einstein, one about Howard Hughes, life is literally an adventure...

Alright, ibuprofen administered. I've got my rum and coke. Let's see what the heartiest of minions got me. Oh, there's an envelope on top with "readme.txt" scribbled on it. Hilarious. Welcome to the box. We each got you a little something we think you'll enjoy. Seeing as you tirelessly imagine our existence, even when you're grumpy, we thought it apropos to base our choices on our perceived functions in this interesting universe you've created for yourself. As for me, i gave Compy the following instructions:  He doesn't have very many truly classic albums. Preferably rock/metal, but anything as long as it's a true classic.  I'll be as surprised as you are by what he actually picked, but i have little doubt it will be thoroughly enjoyable.  Sincerely, Sandra  A classic album from a classy lady. Yes, i suppose that is fitting. Well, here we go.  Ooooh. The second Black Sabbath album, Paranoid. No argument here, it certainly is a classic album...

Why's there a box on my desk, 2*pi*r? Are we refilming the final sequence of Se7en? It's Boxing Day, Bottle. We're fresh out of Gwenyth Paltrow body parts, and Sandra vetoed taking turns punching you in the stomach, even though i thought that would be exactly what you'd like. So, they sent me on a little scavenger hunt.  You guys got me records? Yeah. You keep imagining us, we keep feeding you. Seems fair. Adventure Time? No, no, no. Adventure Time only works when you send me because you're bored and out of ideas. These are albums we each thought you should have in your collection. One from each of us. Well, not GREGORY, he was hiding when we came up with the idea, but he'd definitely approve of at least one of them. From Sandra, Skip, Carl, and Gladys to you. Enjoy. I'm speechless. Wait, you didn't pick one yourself?  No, i picked all of them from their contextual instructions. Plus, the face on your face says i got the sucker punch i wanted to give you...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through house, Bottle was fidgeting, figuring things out. Gladys in her kerchief,  and Skip in his chair, Compy Compilerson combing his hair....  You know what? No. Not gonna. Go find two more Christmas albums if you want to on your own, but i'm moving on to something else. Time for a new direction, a new age...new age...new age.....  You're thinking Yanni and Enya (both excellent choices), but i'm thinking something more unexpected. Marty Friedman made a new age album. Yeah, his second album Scenes was produced by Kitaro and it's a full buffet of sappy, cheesy, soaring melodies, wandering tonality, the kind of exotic appropriation that makes you wonder if Kitaro was secretly giggling inside the whole time, and then you remember it's Marty Friedman, he happily chose to relocate to Japan where they love him more than Germany loved Hasselhoff. They love Mr. Big too, so Paul Gilbert's hanging around as well. Anywho, Mart...

Are there any obnoxious and sarcastic punk Christmas albums?  Yeah, of course. Here's Oi to the World! from The Vandals. It's every bit as terrible as Erlewine thinks it is, if you have Erlewine's taste in music. Why'd he even listen to it? Was he surprised he didn't like it? I love it. I think it holds up even outside the holiday. Remind me to test out that theory next April.  Why would The Vandals or their fans care about mainstream rock criticism? More importantly, why would anyone who values Erlewine's opinion go listen to the Vandals Christmas album whether he liked it or not? Did Christgau even bother to listen to it? I don't need to synopsisize it. It's great. By now you all know that means it's sloppy, unpolished, and not concerned about your tastes and preferences in any way. Plus, there's a song about being nice to grandpa even though he's a miserable grump. That's the kind of mundanity i value deep in the cockles of my heart.  ...

Alright, back to my public service obligation to the universe. Here's such a thing Mrs. Bottle didn't know existed. This year's theme is loosely "why did they make a Christmas album?" Some are unexplainable, some are actual albums that just happen to be about Christmas, The Killers took the unique approach of compiling one single a year over a decade. Tonight we step through the looking glass and wrestle with the Jabberwocky. I'm convinced it exists only because it shouldn't exist. What's truly baffling is that Bad Religion's Christmas Songs isn't actually sarcastic (except for the sucker punch of American Jesus at the end). Maybe we need a refresher on irony. It's not dramatic irony. They know how bizarre it is that they are intentionally singing Christmas songs. It's not situational irony. The intended effect is clearly to point out the contradiction of overtly religious ceremony as performed by an erudite punk rock band. It's not...

Ug. I can't. I just can't. There's 4 more days counting Christmas, 4 more albums to make 12, but i don't wanna. Thankfully, i don't have to. That courtroom skit bought me an extra night, and the ghost of Bottle's past bought future me a present i'm sure to like: a self published cd from the former band of a bassist in a now more famous band with a name very similar to another bassist from an even more famous band using the title of a tv show. Did you get all that? Here's the real story: the bassist of The Sword, Bryan Ritchie, found a box of 30 copies of his previous band's self titled album Pirates of Darkwater, and i snatched up the copy right before the preantepenultimate copy. It's got some impressive track titles.  Obviously you can't buy the cd, but you can listen along on bandcamp. I want to open it so bad. But i won't. I'll delicately place it upon the shelf and listen to it on bandcamp as well. That's the kind of nice gu...

The Bunker of Beef is gonna get a little bit of a makeover tomorrow, so you know just in case i chop a finger off, or drill a hole in my thigh or something, here's Don't Waste Your Wishes, the compilation of a decade worth of holiday singles by The Killers. The sub plot is that Santa is coming to murder Brandon for being naughty, but finally has a change of heart and doesn't actually kill him. It ends with him doing a duet with his 4th grade teacher. Fun stuff. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_lbSlC7IuaAfPNQDzixnJbjtNsN4CAYlW4

Kiddos, i don't think i can do it. 6 more? 4 of 'em were great albums, and i still don't care.  But Bottle, if you don't listen to them no one will, and the twinkle fairies will be trapped under the evil witch's spell forever!  Fine. Can they be ANY Christmas albums?  Sure, the grimoire simply says "and the bottle shall pour forth the 12 bounteous yulebums, lest the princess Zabzibar shall weep and drown the kingdom of man in her tears. Ok then, i don't want to make the princess sad. I'm not a complete monster. I know of a couple death metal Christmas albums. That should be moderately entertaining. Snuggle up kiddies, tonight it's J.J. Hrubovcak and his Hellish Renditions of Christmas Classics from 2013.  https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_lyoKjlgl5KyD0I_qY51PSmh4GLVbb18ZA "Yay!" the townsfolk rejoiced. Best parts include A) it's only 5 tracks long, 2) his rendition of Dance of the Sugar Plum Faries would certainly put a smile o...

Believe it or not, i put so much effort into last night's review that i sprained my epic imagination muscles. My back hurts too, but that's unrelated. So instead of a zany corporate adventure about a new album, we'll go back to last year and relisten to Rotary Connection's 3rd album, Peace. Actually, now that i think of it, i didn't actually mention the zany corporate adventures involved in this obscure Christmas absurdity. No plot, just some random stuff. First, it turns out Rotary Connection really is a Cadet Concept concoction. Marshall Chess was tired of pumping out boring old blues and rock albums for his dad, so he started a new subsidiary with one of the secretaries as the female vocalist. Minnie Ripperton was her name, and you have her to thank for Mariah Carey's career as the dog whistler. Not up on your list of whistle register divas? Ok fine, Maya Rudolph's mom was the lead singer of Rotary Connection. Marshall really did just invite a bunch of av...

We need to have a talk, Bottle. Is it about last night's Christmas album? I had a rough day, so i was just letting off some steam. Don't be such a Sandra, Sandra. Nobody actually goes and listens the stuff i talk about. They read it, it's either immediately humorous or they just ignore it. No, This Ain't No White Christmas is a completely egalitarian album for its time and cultural milieu. The women are definitely empowered, and the racial content isn't actually insulting in either direction. I can't help it if some people are prudes. I'm actually referring to an argument between Skip and Myself. He's adamant that Reverend Horton Heat's Christmas album is better than Brian Setzer's Christmas album, and i had my hand on the straight razor i carry in my purse before i realized how inappropriate that was. Please settle this issue out of court, if you see what i'm saying. I'm guessing you don't want to know i like Reverend Horton Heat bet...

I really should save this for actual Christmas, but it's been a helluva day. There's no preamble i could give you, there's no commentary i could make. It's crude, it's dirty, it's probably illegal in three states, it's the only Christmas themed stand-up album i know of, it's the legendary Rudy Ray Moore's This Ain't No White Christmas. It's an experience. Not suitable for work, home, children, public broadcast, or pretty much any occasion involving conversations with other people.  Enjoy https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_ntJ8-0ZGHLEW1B2tBYchTAltu5sLchKyY

BULRYOR I got nothing, that's just a nonsense license plate. What i do have is A Celtic Christmas. Because when i think celtic christmas music, i always turn to a random independent label based in Brentwood, Tennessee. Obviously my first inclination is to question the superlative adjectives used in the naming of the musicians involved, but the fact that the googlemaphone actually delivers their respective teaching studios, discographies, bios, etc. is pretty strong evidence that they are not in fact a bunch of random weirdos and do have the expertise they rightfully claim. It also sadly means this album will be perfectly enjoyable and i won't be able to make fun of it at all. The one glimmer of hope is the phrase "performed in Lilting Celtic Style" like they're winging it, but i have my doubts. Either way, down the hatch it goes. Yep, Balderose can play the bagpipes. The janitor of my first elementary school was a Piper. I like bagpipes. Oh thank goodness, they...

Last year i was still testing out my useless superpowers when it came to Christmas Albums. For obvious reasons, we have to listen to 12 of the damned things, but it's so hard to pick. Do we do 12 good albums? 12 bad albums? Repost my 12 favorite reviews from last year (good or bad)? 12 new albums we've never heard? I have 3 more, but youtube has thousands...  That all seems like real work, so we're just gonna keep winging it.  I have questions. Were Christmas albums ever actually lucrative? Has any self respecting band ever really wanted to make a Christmas album? Do you actually want your favorite bands to make Christmas albums? I submit that the answer to all of these questions is "no." Jethro Tull made 20 albums. Their 21st album, the last one to date, is Christmas Album. Why? I'm not sure Ian Anderson even knows why he did it. What i do know is that it's both terrible and completely fine at the same time. The everyday normal person in your brain says ...

Slam!  What was that?  Slam!  Do you guys hear that?  Hear what, Skipasaurus?  The slamming, Bottle.  SLAM!  I hear it now. CALM THE HELL DOWN GLADYS!! Wait. Could it be? Is it really? It's been like a year, and i just assumed....  --- SLAM! Why won't this infernal door close properly? SLAM! There, i'll have to get Carl up here to fix that.  CALM THE HELL DOWN, GLADYS!  I'll calm you, Bottle!  It is you! I thought you got lost or dead or something. Did you win?  Win? Win what? Oh, the tournament? That's a doozie of a tale, that one. Steven and Sven had the highest points total, but the president of the host club refused to award them saying that they played fewer hands than his team so it wasn't fair, but the first round bye is always randomly selected and always counts as a win. It's printed right there in the tournament rules, and even those crazy old codgers who've been lobbying to change that rule said that those are the ru...

I'm feeling saucy today. What's the second best collection of songs by Eric Burdon and The Animals sound like? Oooh, it's their psych rock stuff. Growly tubulous bass lines, nasty reverby cheesegrater guitars, noisy noises, and like 80-proof Eric Burdon (not the full strength ethonol, but more than enough punch to get the job done). It's a great collection actually, and i think Tom "Adamantium Testicles" Wilson is all the explanation we need for that. He knew what he liked, and he was rarely wrong. Plus, it actually sounds good. It's really dark and cavernous like early Iron Butterfly, and very snare and bass heavy, but that's totally alright in my book. I don't think it's possible to listen to it without closing your eyes and bobbing your head everywhere. It's like some deep reptilian instinct takes over and you just can't feel mopey or bored.  There aren't any hills or valleys to this collection, the intensity is consistent from s...

Now we'll jump the better part of 2 decades later and open his 2013 album Every Man Should Know. You have the assurance that Harry wrote all the music and lyrics himself, and they didn't even fire up the autotune plugin. It's a musical journey down a back road of Harry's desire. It's gonna be a bunch of pop-jazz ballads. Everybody gave it a mildly bad review, but I expect it will be quite nice. Let's go for a walk. Well, the first 4 tracks are fantastic. Yes, he's genre hopping, but they actually flow like consecutive thoughts. You could actually have these thoughts in that order with the associated mood portrayed in the music.  Then it breaks. Come See About Me is stylistically fine, but irreconcilable with the previous 4 songs. Then we go all over the place. Ok, i think i see why people don't get it. This isn't a pop album or a jazz album, it really is a concept album. It's not a story per se, but a series of situational experiences. It's n...

  ... Oh no. He did. He did make a funk album. He made 2 funk albums, and i don't have the one about the space turtle. I have the supposedly worse one. She. She screams in silence, a sullen riot penetrating through her mind (thanks, Green Day).  What should we expect? Will it be surprisingly tolerable, or will it make me puke? Plus there's two different kinds of Funk, you know? There's your James Brown Soul you can dance to, and then there's your outer space weed Funk a la Hendrix and George Clinton. I can't see the Con man going the Average White Band or Rare Earth route, mostly because he'd have a whole lotta high caliber hometown heavyweights busting his chops if he did an actual terrible job. New Orleans has a pretty substantial Funk history, after all. I think most people would be willing to accept a certain level of lyrical dumbness, but musically it has to be at least mediocre. Lots of Chinese people were confused when he toured the album there, but who w...

Ladies, and man-ladies, it occurs to me that this time last year i was right in the thick of saying mean things about Barbara Mandrel and The Oak Ridge Boys. Sure, i could just repost some of those essays while i battle through this winter funk of not wanting to live in a world where Capitalism, Socialism, Marxism, and Communism are so nonsensically tossed around that even the Brookings Institution can't figure out what the hell people are talking about, and Denmark says "please stop calling us a Socialist country, because we aren't one." But, that's the universe you all apparently love to live in now, so i actually went and found 3 more Christmas CDs hiding in my collection. We're gonna save those, and instead go to crazytown. I also have three Harry Connick Jr. albums. No Bottle, please, don't do it! Don't tell me what not to do, there's an entire crate of records i deemed unacceptable to review last year. If brain damage is what you're servi...

Speaking of 2007, let's hear the debut album Cross by French electronic duo Justice. Are they secretly Daftpunk in different costumes? No. Are there about 400 micro-samples of everything from Michael Jackson to Slipknot in this bizarre thing they call an Opera-Disco? You betcha.  I do actually like Christgau's review of this album because he clarifies it from his own context. As a dance album it's not for everyone, but as a work of electronic pop-art it's way more fun than Kraftwerk. His words, not mine. I'm not convinced Kraftwerk is supposed to be "fun" in any context, but that's still a compliment, backhanded or no.  In spite of all that, this IS a straight French House album. The experimentation here is completely related to sound sources rather than structural discombobulation. Yet, there is a certain gobbledigook quality to all of it, hence it's inclusion in this weird electronic music segment of my collection perusal. Justice has indeed been...

Hi everybody. Compiler here. Bottle's working on a different album review, but i just learned it's KMFDM vs. PIG's 24th birthday today. I have that album, let's listen to it.  I'm not good at the word things, i'm more of a smash things together and let it speak for itself kind of guy. This EP is like that, it's Raymond, Sascha, and Svet Am making a few songs together.  Now, Raymond Watts may or may not show up for any KMFDM thing, but it's pretty great when he does. The bad word counter goes crazy, and the sleaze becomes palpable.  My favorite sample is "witchcraft has invaded the government...." Bottle's favorite sample is "America, you can change the laws to suit you...."  Most people won't rank this very high in either discography. Bottle might say that's because most people are brain-dead backwater hillbillies, but he'd be joking. You wouldn't think he's joking, but he is.  I'm rambling too much. How do...